Going through a transitional phase and doing a lot of thinking

Ok this post may be all over the place as my thoughts have been all over the place as of late but I'll try to keep it organized.

me vs me - my split personality

I've written in the past about have two sides to me (the gemini in me). there's the roodboi/ska/i'mcool side and there's the mommy/grown up/appropriate side. And they often battle each other. I tend to go back and forth between them and they seem to consume me one at a time. There's never a balance there. They both want all of me. I guess the roodboi side is my youth/my past, and the grown up side is my future. I want to strap on my adult boots and go out there and be a mommy and have a house and do all that stuff. But the young side of me doesn't want to give me up. Thats why I sometimes have freakouts about my age or what I'm doing with my life. And as much as I want children I sometimes freak out that this will mean the end of my life as that other person. Then again I used to think marriage was the end of my life. That I had to be a completely different person. But that wasn't true at all. I was me, just with someone awesome always by my side. So right now I'm at a stage where I'm giving in to the grown up side and my youth side is kicking and screaming and clawing to try to hold on. Getting grey hairs, wrinkles, and being called "señora" isn't helping either. I don't mind getting these things. I've never been superficial about my looks at all. But the thing that bothers me is that I still see myself as a little girl. I was always the smallest, and I found comfort there. Now my appearance is changing but I still feel like the same little girl. I don't want to be one of those delusional women you see on "What Not to Wear" acting like i'm 17 when I'm 40. Jesus. But it looks like thats where I might be heading. I need to grow up. But there's a lot of stuff about me thats cool. I think I'll be able to relate to my kids and have fun with them because i'm a giant kid inside. So who knows. This is just something I've been thinking about a lot.


Having kids

The other day I said to ed "I want a baby" and he said "i know". I said "when can we have one" and he said "I'm ready when you are". This of course made my heart melt. We had a long talk in March about life and how he was afraid of change and that getting a house and starting a family were huge things that would be hard work. I appreciated him telling me how he felt. But we both agreed that I came into his life and made things happen. I forced him to get furniture, if it wasn't for me he would still be living out of boxes. He's perfectly happy letting everything stay the way it is. In a straight line. But I'm all about making things happen (i leap before i look sometimes) and if we don't move forward we'll just be stuck in a rut. We have to take risks in life, otherwise life is boring. So after that talk I think we both felt better. He knew it was time to take another leap. So the fact that he said he was ready just made my heart so incredibly happy. I've been so patient (you don't even know) which is hard for someone so impulsive like me, about having a baby. But now I can't contain these feelings anymore. Its time. I know it is. I can feel it. And its getting to the point where all the goals I wanted to reach before I got pregnant are becoming less and less important. So I decided that when we get a house, move in and get settled, we will start trying for a baby. I'm hoping it will be in the next 6 months. Because I will be pregnant by the end of the year, house or not. I'm so happy and so excited that this will FINALLY be the year. I think about my future children all the time. What I want to do with them, how i'll raise them, etc etc. I don't think anyone I know will have put this much thought into having kids or wanted them as bad as I do. Especially knowing it will probably be difficult to conceive with PCOS. But I know that when I get pregnant it will be a true blessing.

But...there is still that part of me, i would say 10% of me, that is having doubts. I'm just afraid to end up in my 40s doing some shit job being bored with life and being miserable. I just see all these people in their 40s who have teenage kids who just seem like they're going through the motions of life. And I also think...god..this is it. Once I have kids i've crossed over to the other side. adulthood. I'll officially be uncool (to my kids). no going back. Also, what the hell am i getting myself into? i'll never sleep again! can i do this? i don't know! but like i said, thats just 10% of me.


House issues
So as you can imagine I'm working hard to find a house. but its SUPER bleak. once we realized that 225k is our budget it really limited our selection. everything is crap. our only choice is short sales but i haven't been able to find any decent ones. we may have to move waaaaay south :( i'm at the point where i don't know whether to wait it out till something i like comes up or to settle for something i don't really like because its a "starter home". or should i bite the bullet and move south and be far from my family and friends??? sigh i don't know. :(



anyway this is all the stuff thats on my mind. meanwhile the cool stuff, like mission ska, is falling by the waist side because my mind is elsewhere. I still love it, I just can't devote much time to it. I wish i had someone to help me keep it running. i'm good at starting things. really good. bad at maintaining and/or finishing them.

new realtor

well we fired that useless realtor and found a new one. she seems really cool already. and very on point. she answers all my emails and she's eager and doesn't drag her feet. i think she's gonna be a great fit!

our new plan is she will take me to look at houses during the week and if i find something that passes my tests then we'll look at it on the weekend with ed. because i'm the picky one after all. so better that i use my free time to eliminate the ones i don't like. it will save us a lot of time on the weekends.

i'm still looking for work. this is just a really bad time man. oof. i hope the economy picks up again soon.

also ed's job is moving to doral. i'm happy that he won't have to work on the beach anymore!! yay!!! so this really frees us up to look for houses in kendall. :)

trying to start my life...roadblocks

So we've been looking for houses for about 2 months now. and after seeing NOTHING we were interested in, we saw 2 houses (being sold by the same company that flips houses) a couple of weeks ago. things were looking up.

problems:

1. the houses are priced WAY above our budget. but our realtor assures us we can get them for much less. mmhmm. sure.

2. our realtor continues to be unresponsive, dragging her feet, and we're both completely sick of it. we're stuck with her till the offer gets accepted or rejected then we're chucking her ass.

she took an entire week just to put in the offer we wanted. when i texted her and emailed her no response. when i confronted her about not communicating she said ok, i'll get you the paperwork today. this was on a friday morning (when we had told her we wanted to make the offer on monday) and she didn't send us the paperwork till friday at 11pm. its just completely UNPROFESSIONAL. i'm so over her. but if she can deliver when it comes to closing on a house maybe we'll put up with it.

we sent back the paperwork on tuesday. today on thursday we got an email today saying that the listing agent for the house wouldn't even bother showing that offer to her client. NO SHIT! they're turning away people offering $280k. so there's no point in trying to counter. its over. but just what we expected. a realtor's job is to guide you and that means telling you that a low offer isn't a wise step. and we figured it wasn't. but she assured us based on comparibles, etc that this was a good offer. and just as expected they laughed off our offer. no point in trying for the 2nd house as it was priced even higher than the first.


so i'm bumbed because i was looking forward to having a house sooner rather than later. but i'm glad i didn't let myself get attached. and now we can give that useless realtor the heave ho.

the sad part is after seeing something completely remodeled head to toe its hard to go back to looking at the other houses. :( we got spoiled by that. but we can't afford those other houses.

I NEED to get a job so we can have more money in the pot and more choices for homes. but also i'm just ready to work again. i've been trying for a couple of months now to get work, applying to a shitload of places but its hard man. soooo hard. no one is getting back to me. the jobs seem to be out there but i guess no one is interested in me personally. it gets me down. i just have to keep trying. i know eventually i'll get something.

my plan is to get a job, a good one that i'm comfortable doing with people i get along with that pays me enough to survive on my own. and then get a house and start a family. i'm itching to have a baby sooo bad. i'm waiting for the pieces to fall into place but not being able to find a job and losing out on houses are setbacks, roadblocks. its frustrating.

anyway now that the whole thing is over i can show you pictures. didn't wanna jinx it before but it doesn't matter now.

entry way:living room:
2nd bath:
kitchen out to family room:
kitchen: all new appliances
pantry with drawers! love this thing.
out to family room.
family room
laundry room!!! a whole room!
HUGE backyard with pond
master bedroom
master shower
master bath

I have issues - Job stuff

Ok so part of me is like let get a job. We need a job. We need to contribute. We want to have worth. People think I'm some bum who sits at home all day. And can you blame them? I kinda do.

So I apply to jobs. Now its getting to the point where I'll apply to anything that will pay decent. But I'm freaking out a little. Because the thought of working some mediocre whatever job the rest of my life scares the shit out of me. No offense to anyone but I don't want to be like my parents and work some lame job my whole life. I always wanted more for myself. I went to school and learned all these great things and applying them to the real world is so much harder than I thought. All I ever wanted was a cool career. Something I could be proud of. Somewhere where I could use my creativity. Something that provided for my family but also gave me a sense of pride. Something people could look at and go "wow, she does that? thats so cool!"

But with every passing year I see myself getting older and find those opportunities slipping away. And it kills me. I will feel like such a complete failure in life if I just worked some ho hum job and never made something of myself. Thats my biggest fear.

on another note...

I often go through life feeling like i don't belong. no matter what city i live in, whether its among strangers or friends and family, i feel like i don't belong. i feel so alone sometimes.

my goal in life is to feel like i belong to something. thats what mission ska has given me. i've found friends on twitter who share so much of my opinions and loves that i finally feel like i'm understood. when i explained my ideals, what was in my heart to my friend gabe (twitter friend who runs a podcast) he understood and felt the same way. he supported me. it was such an amazing feeling to finally be understood.

its an understanding that i've never had before. because no one in my life (other than ed) has ever gotten the whole ska thing. diana liked ska but not the same way. i don't believe she loves it the way i do. in fact she hasn't seemed to care much about mission ska at all. which was really disappointing. so its so freeing to explain mission ska and have people actually get it and say i'm doing something important.

on the other hand, i'm not all ska. there's the other part of me. the twitter.com/sushifabush part of me. so do i feel completely understood? no. i don't know if i ever will.

sometimes i feel like ed keeps me like a pet. he loves me and puts up with me. and for all my eccentricities he pats me on the head. but i don't feel like he admires me in any way. looks up to me like i do to him. he's obviously the smart grown up one. i just want to find my place in this world where people look up to me. is that such a weird thing? such a selfish thing? maybe i wouldn't feel like such a loser.

life update

on the house search:

realtors suck. they're sharks. they only care about money. they'll give you any shpiel to get you to go with them. i can't just go look at houses on my own.

on my health:

i've gained back 3 lbs and stayed there. i need to get back to my better habits and work out again my but shoulder is an obstacle right now.

at the big d show i must have pulled something and as a result i ripped some tendons in my shoulder. i've been suffering for 2 weeks. i went to the doctor finally yesterday and she put me on these anti inflammatory pills. they said they "mat cause drowsiness" and that i should take one a day but she told me i could take 2 the first day. so i did. they took forever to kick in but then somewhere in the middle of the night i woke up and scratched myself and i felt numb on the top layer of my skin. it was the weirdest thing. yet i still had the shoulder pain. i feel ok this morning but i usually feel good in the mornings and throughout the day the pain gets worse and worse till its night time and i can't sleep. i'm really hoping these pills work and this thing gets better. i don't wanna have to come in for cortisone shots. but i'm so over this damn pain. i can't do anything. its my right shoulder and i'm right handed.

on my feelings:

i'm feeling empty right now. its probably the PMS. also probably because i don't have anything to look forward to. i always do better with thing to look fwd to. ed has been so busy the last week. i hardly see him at all. i definitely have resentment that he's out having beers and dancing on tables (Opa) with people and going out to dinners while i sit here alone in the dark with no one to talk to. it wouldn't bother me if i had my own things going on to keep me busy, but i don't.

on that job:

i followed up and the woman said she wants to work with me but that things are on hold right now. which is fine with me. i almost feel like i should just get any job right now.to do my part.

on mission ska:

don't be mistaken. mission ska is still very much alive. things have slowed down at the moment because there's just not much going on. i still have plans to put on a show but this time i won't be rushing into it. i'm going to take my time and plan it out really well. because we're looking for houses i don't feel like i should be putting our money on the line unless i'm really sure things will work out. ed already told me this is costing him money. but for those of you who think this was just some fad, some idea i started but gave up on, you're wrong. its just a lull but things are still ongoing.

on the bright side"

i got my first paycheck from cafe press $137 :)

Feb. Update.

I haven't blogged in a while.

So let me give you a quick update.

Umm....lets see. I've seen big D, ska is dead, the slackers, big d again, and next week is The English Beat with Fishbone. So its been skatastic since I began Mission Ska in November. I was planning a show in March at Churchills but it just turned out to be too expensive so i cancelled and decided to scale back. All ages shows with smaller bands.

What else? ok well i got a text from a friend who works at SAE telling me that some company was looking for editors. so i called them and we set up an interview. i went. it seemed to have gone well. although there's a language barrier because he doesn't speak english. but i think i held my own. it felt cool to know what i was talking about and to have some input and stuff. :) they haven't called back and frankly i don't care if they do because i'm pretty busy with mission ska. of course i'm not gonna turn it down if they wanna offer me a job.

we're in the process of looking for houses. finally. we're limited of course because we only have one income and we can't go west or south because ed doesn't want a long commute. we just started looking and its already looking bleak. we got this realtor that came highly recommended by my friend april. although she seems nice she's not really meeting my needs as far as communication goes. she hardly ever gets back to me. i'm thinking of going with my mom's cousin instead.

we haven't told my parents that we're looking for houses, no have we told doris. with my parents i know they're just try to tell us that buying a house is a bad idea just like they did before. and doris will try to take over. so we'd rather wait till we find something we like before we even get them involved. but today my dad busted out with "so...have you found a house yet?" all snotty like. just come out and say someone told you that. don't be all 5th grade about it. geez. annoying.

wed i went to the big d show by myself again. got to meet some of the guys i didn't meet last time and got to talk to ryan again. i swear he's just the best. and i waited around in the cold till 2am to give them cupcakes but they didn't come out. so i left them with a note. hope they got them.

ok i think we're pretty caught up. now, the reason i'm writing this blog is to tell you what i did today. i dropped my parents and grandma off at the port for their weekend cruise. so i took their car and went to kendall to scope out some possible venues for shows. jenny had told me that they have a stage at Super Wheels (a cool skating rink). i had emailed them about it but they never wrote back. so i went in there today and talked to them and they were really cool. they said they put on rock shows in there all the time. well mostly hip hop and DJs but they do rock as well. so i asked what it would take and she gave me the specs. very interesting. i think it would be an awesome place for shows. then i went to kinkos and printed out some more mission ska flyers. i was going to leave them at Drake's. Drake's is a night club in kendall in a strip mall which i had asked if they do rock shows. They enthusiastically replied (via twitter) to tell me that yes! and to get in touch with them. so when i went over today i saw they were closed. probably because they're only open at night. fine. i called the number they gave me and this guy answered (without even saying the name of the business) and he was all rushing me. and i asked about booking bands and he was just acting like i was completely bothering him. he gave me snippy answers like he didn't want my business. then he was like can you hold on a second? and i said sure. he proceeds to put me on hold. and about 5 min later i fucking hung up. i mean how fucking rude. you could have very easily asked me to call back at another time. that was just a dick move. wow. so yeah thats one big strike against them. they're acting like they're all that and shit. psh. they're so not.

i feel like i got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night. i'm zausted. but thankfully i don't have to pick up ed and this is vday weekend.:) nothing big planned this year as i'm like whatevs about it. all i care about is that we spend some nice time together this weekend. i don't need anything special. sat night we're going to an english pub to have some dinner and watch some ska. i'm really looking fwd to it. :)

oh ps. yesterday i made mini cupcakes for valentines day. and today i brought some down to my fav front desk guy danny. he was happy :)