you know what pisses me off?

when i tell ppl i've lost 90lbs they seem impressed but then they say "how much more are you going to lose" or "thats great, just keep losing" or "wait till you lose the rest of the weight"

you know what i have to say to those people? FUUUUUCCCKKK YOOUUU!! call me when YOU lose 90lbs. fuckers.

why do these people feel the need to put a goal weight on me. is 90lbs not enough? i look and feel fantastic. why is this not good enough for you? fuck you.

someone actually had the gull to say to me "don't ever put that weight on again". well fuck you too. what a shitty thing to say to a family member. i see what you really think about me.

wow...NSV...amazing transition

You guys, this is serious.

I used to walk into the gym when there were other people and feel really self conscious and uncomfortable.  But today I walked into the gym where 2 other guys were there and i didn't feel self conscious. In fact I felt sexy and confident. I felt like all the guys were checking me out. lol. even though i can see my stomach giggling in the mirror as i use the elliptical, it doesn't sway my swagger. the other day there was this super super HOT guy working out. he was annoying because he took over the entire half of the gym with the weight machines and dumbbells. and he had this boombox. i mean a boombox. hello!! ever heard of headphones. sheesh. but he was hella hot. so i was torn. lol. eventually i got sick of waiting for this guy to leave so i walked right over and got on one of the weight machines myself. like a big fuck you. lol. i'm not gonna let you stop me from doing weights. lol. and in like a few min, he decided to leave. oh wellios! i'm not intimidated by men! even hot men!

another awesome thing is my sex drive is slooowly but surely coming back. my god...i haven't felt this way since i was about 19 or 20. i'm so glad to be off the pill. my body feels more normal and i feel like more of a woman.

also i've been dressing more girly lately and i love it. i feel so feminine and sexy. i love my newfound confidence. its also fun that i'm not undressing men with my eyes. lol. i'm so bad!! but guys do it all the time, why can't we?

they say confidence is the best accessory. and even though i might not be outwardly as confident yet, i mean, its not obvious. but i do have an inner confidence. this is all so new to me. its amazing. and this is just the beginning. i'm going through a transition now. i think my confidence and sexiness as well as sex drive will continue to improve. i'm so happy about this :)

My artificial sweetener solution

So I found myself going through Splenda packets like....something that you go through quickly. It was ridiculous. I was going through 2-3 packets per cup of tea and drinking 4-6 cups of tea per day. you do the math. Not to mention i was also using stevia as well. Yes i use both. I find that vanilla flavored stevia covers the back end sweetness while the splenda covers the front end. both combining in a harmonious full body sweetness. either one alone would taste off and unnatural to me.

anyway i don't worry about the stevia because its natural and i only use half a packet (if that) for each cup. but the splenda...oh the splenda....i was consuming way too much of it for it to be guilt free. i tried to find the evidence online of what harm i could be doing to myself. my husband and i researched splenda last year and found that it wasn't harmful unless you consumed like 4,000 packets of it in a few days or something. well...i wasn't that far gone but shit..i felt like i was getting to that point. then i looked and saw that the main issue wasn't really "poison" although some purists will shout it from the rooftops how all this stuff we put into us is poison (of course they don't have PCOS and are usually thin, bitches). no the real issue seemed to be the maltodextrin (the bulking agent they put in every packet) which contains carbs. and although a small amount, when you consume it like i was it really adds up.

so i read up on liquid versions of splenda, or, liquid sucralose to be exact. i found the one i  had heard of the most was ez-sweetz. 

so i ordered it online. about $6 or so for a 1oz bottle. ok cool. when i got it i was disappointed to see it had other things in it like citric acid. why?? why is that needed? my teeth can't handle citric acid anymore. i have abused my teeth with tooooooo many sour candies. i can't even handle crystal light anymore! i have to drink it through a straw so it doesn't touch my teeth. the enamel is even wearing away on my front teeth. horrible. anyway i was like...this sucks. 

so i kept looking. i found this other one called SWEETZFREE.

 i read the reviews and ppl seemed to like it. but it was HELLA expensive. not to mention it looks like someone makes it by hand and sells it from their house (homemade labels, pay via paypal only). in fact i'm pretty sure they just buy sucralose in bulk from somewhere online and just put it into these bottles and sells it. but hey, i needed it, it was there, why not? 1 oz bottle was $18. my husband would kill me. so i bought via my paypal stash. 

verdict? it contains only purified water and sucralose which i really appreciate. and it tastes even better than the ez-sweetz. i mean, its really sweet. 2 drops is all ya need. its expensive but it lasts a long time. and you can take it wherever you go! i even used it on greek yogurt and oh-my-god! it didn't need any fruits or anything! just plain greek yogurt with a few squirts of this and yum city!! wow..think of the possibilities. i still have the ez-sweetz. i would use that one for cooking and such because i wouldn't wanna waste my sweetzfree. the only down side i can see to this one is that i've noticed that what used to be sweet enough with 2 drops now needs 3. so its possible that you might keep upping the anty. also it might trigger sugar sensors in your brain and make you crave more sugar. i read that somewhere. es possible. i'll have to keep my eye on that. but for now i'm pretty happy with this. i don't feel guilty about seeing all the splenda packets i went through anymore.

so there you go. if you're interested in a liquid sucralose product, either one of those choices are great. they both have great reviews. and if you wanna go the extra mile you can just order pure sucralose in bulk online and make your own shit. but if you're lazy like me and you want it done for you, these 2 are the way to go.

cheers!

you know what i miss?

eating fruit with other food. i used to enjoy a banana with breakfast or an orange with something salty like cheese. now i can't do any of that anymore. fruit= liquid to my body. and its painful to eat and drink at the same time. :( i don't really like fruit on its own because its too much wet sweetness, i need something salty. so i go without. booo.

i also miss wonton soup! i can't eat anything liquidy with something i have to chew. just doesn't work. :(

splenda and creamers. how much is too much??

i've been drinking ALOT of tea lately. like 6 cups a day. and in each cup i would put some heavy cream, 2 splendas and half a pack of stevia. i started to realize i was consuming more splenda that i should be because i would put a huge stack of them in my sugar dish and before i knew it i had to refill it. yikes!!! and the cream. no sugar, but fat. hmm...so i said..let me look around.

so many delicious creamers out there. with all sorts of amazing looking flavors. but way high in sugar. i started using SILK non dairy creamer french vanilla. delicious. and i like the individual packets. they tasted just like real cream in my tea. but look...its got 5g of sugar in each shot. that means i'm having an extra 30g of sugar a day?!! YIKES!!! now i'm thinking, why did i feel the need to change from cream? i mean its natural. whats wrong with it? maybe i can switch to cream instead of heavy whipping cream or maybe switch to half and half.

shit no wonder i'm not losing any weight.

as far as the splendas, i don't feel good about using so much in a day. plus i just read that the packets contain a bulking agent called maltodextrin which contains carbs and is essentially like sugar. also too much splenda spikes your sweet sensors in your brain and makes you crave sweets. but i did read that liquid splenda (ez sweetz) was better because in liquid form it doesn't contain the carbs. so i'm gonna try that. if anything, to give me a piece of mind.

i'm not concerned about the stevia bc i don't consume that much of it. and its all natural.

thats all for now. we'll see how this works.

some fun with befores and afters

i can't even believe it. i've gotten so used to seeing myself like this that i forget how far i've come.

what happens when you die?

with it being 9/11 i find myself thinking about the lives lost 10yrs ago. i know its morbid but i try to put myself in  their place. i try to picture myself on the plane, or on the top floors of the towers. how it must have felt.

the scariest thing for me is thinking about what happens after we die, or whats outside of space. they both give me the same feeling. the overwhelming unknown scares the shit out of me. our life on earth is so short. what happens for the rest of eternity? and that, right there, is when i'm filled with dread and...something so indescribably upsetting that i can't even deal with it. i start to cry and i need a distraction (tv or talking to someone) to calm down. i can't think about those things.

and of course on days like today when  thinking about all those painful horrible frightening deaths....most of these people knowing they were going to die. some chose to jump off the building as a less painful alternative. death scares me. it scares me so much. there has to be something, something to comfort me. comfort us about death. and i'm not really a religious person. i believe in God but i don't buy into any organized religion. i believe in being a good person and trying to help other. so i can't say that i take solace in prayer. so i went online to do some research.

i had heard about near death experiences, and how several people have similar stories. they all felt this feeling of warmth and love all over their bodies. and how some were given a choice whether they wanted to go back or not. and some didn't  but it wasn't their time yet. maybe it seems far fetched but we all have to believe in something. reading these stories gives me a sense of peace. it helps me deal with me deep fear of death. to know that when this life is over, our spirits still live on. whether its in this ethereal other dimension with love and light or if we're reincarnated (past lives) as other people or living things, it all gives me peace that this isn't the end. we're not just tossed into a black abyss for eternity. i can't deal with that.

i heard someone who had a near death experience say on tv once, something like...this life on earth is only temporary, its a blink, our real lives are waiting for us up there.

believe whatever you want, just believe something. something that brings you peace. holding on to that helps me deal with the death of loved ones, and not to fear my own mortality. and for that i am very grateful.