waking up and having someone already be in a bad mood and unhappy with you is pretty fucking shitty. seems like nothing i do makes him happy lately. its starting to get old. seriously.

August was a blessing. september looks like its gonna rock.

july was really bad. may and june were a struggle. August brought about clarity and positive changes.

i am now currently in Ketosis.

in the month of august i lost 4lbs.

and another lb and another inch off my waist to date. i am now less than 10lbs away from pre pregnancy weight. its so close i can taste it!!!!

the pounds are melting off effortlessly but it is possible that its water weight. but i am gonna start a new workout routine this week. started today. i have to change the way i workout bc i don't have the carbs to do sustained workouts. so i'm switching to short, intense workouts.

today i did TABATA (4 min of squats). i tried doing a set of jump rope but i couldn't go on. i was very very spent. but i have so much energy the rest of the day. and i feel great. i really missed that feeling of working out. i haven't been working out for a month. i love the feeling of regular workouts bc i feel accomplished and strong. and i'm hoping it will ramp up the fat burning so i can really get the most out of this diet. i'm hoping to reach my goal weight  (pre pregnancy weight 173lbs) by mid november.

i will keep you guys posted.

my next goal after that is to get down to 140lbs. thats my BIG goal. anything under 173 is icing on the cake to me :)

Finally, a diagnosis

I have been self diagnosing for months. And i have been wrong every time.

The last  one was hypothyroid. Everyone kept telling me it was likely my thyroid. I looked it up and all the symptoms seemed to match.

I finally got bloodwork and went back for a follow up. Doc shows me bloodwork results and says your thyroid is working perfectly fine. Total shocker to me because I really thought this was it. and if it wasn't it, then what the hell WAS causing my symptoms. doc didn't know. we started to discuss it. i told her it seemed hormonal. that many of the symptoms mimicked pregnancy symptoms and i had checked myself so many times thinking i was pregnant. let's break it down.

1. Fatigue (almost always low energy and some days NEEDED to sleep)
2. Occasional nausea, sensitivity to light and sound (got those when pregnant)
3. Moodswings (depression, anxiety, for no reason)
4. Weight gain or no weight loss despite working out vigorously
5. Acne
6. Body aches, joint pain/tendinitis (big time during and after pregnancy)
7. Cravings for certain foods
8. Irregular periods

you get the idea.

The doc said...hmm....and you have already been diagnosed with PCOS? yes. Well the bloodwork showed thyroid was fine but i'm now once again pre-diabetic. shit. must have been the fucking carbs i added doing this macros thing. she says it made the PCOC re-activate. which makes so much sense now. i was slowly getting worse. my body was trying to tell me something. i didn't even remember to tell the doc this but i've been having sweet smelling urine for a while (a sign of diabetes). and now that makes sense too. the timeline makes perfect sense.

i was so relieved A. to have an answer but B. that it wasn't thyroid disease bc that is so serious. luckily i already went back to low carb. doc says that should be my norm. thats good to know for the future. always keep it low carb. gotcha. she put me on a low dose metformin. i've been taking it for a couple days and already noticing a difference. the fog is starting to clear. i'm hoping that once my levels even out i will be back to my old self! yay!!!

oh and before i even saw my doc and found this stuff out i had already lost 1lb and 1 inch off my waist after 3 weeks of low carb. which is huge for me because from may-aug i only lost 2lbs. and thats with working out hard 5-6 days a week!!

so there you have it. i woke up my PCOS. so glad i caught it before it got serious. doc says it will settle down/go away when i lose some weight. which i plan to do anyway. she was really impressed with my attitude. she said i'm doing all the right things and my head is in the right place.

the best part is i'm taking the right actions and i will soon be able to put all this behind me! i can get back to working out and LOSING WEIGHT!! i'm so happy!

breathe.

i decided all that anxiety and stress was NOT worth it. i listened to my body and decided super low carb/ketosis was not for me.

now that i'm  not working out i don't NEED all the carbs and calories i was eating before. so i made an executive decision to do what works for me. i decided to cut my calories, not drastically, just 200. and to cut my carbs in half. my macros used to be 40% carb, 30% protein, 30% fat. they are now 20%carb, 30% protein, 50% fat. upped my fats, kept my protein adequate and cut my carbs in half. totally doable for me. this is very comforting to me as i did low carb for so long. here's the difference though. this time around i'm actually tracking my intake so i make sure to eat ENOUGH, eat often, and get adequate protein. all things i wasn't doing last time i did low carb. i would go loooong stretches without eating. bad. i ate mostly snack stuff instead of real meals. bad. i was eating mostly fat and very little protein. bad. i think this time it will be alot more balanced. been doing it for 2 days (today is day 3) and i've noticed my sugar is below my daily allowance and thats wonderful. i mean, that alone will make a big difference.

changes? well so far yesterday was a rare good day.  i woke up feeling good and even had energy. even before my coffee or any food i went to my workout room and walked on the treadmill for 10 min. that was about all i could do. then i lifted some weights. i still don't have the energy to do a strenuous workout but the fact that i was able to do anything was wonderful. moodwise i did well yesterday. especially considering the bomb my mom dropped on me and basically hijacked my entire day. yeah i was annoyed/upset/stressed but i actually handled it pretty well. i didn't dwell on it. so i'm proud of myself. today i woke up feeling ok. sore from yesterday so i'm letting my body rest. muscle aches and recovery are alot longer with thyroid disease. but my head is clear. no fog. i'm not ra ra sisboomba. but shit, i'll take it! :)

i am at peace and not stressing anymore. i don't feel like this disease has taken over anymore. i dunno but just being able to change my diet and still feel like this is something i can continue and i'm not out of the game yet, it gave me back control. and with that, piece of mind. or...peace of mind actually.

tomorrow is my doc appt finally. i'll keep you posted.

having a bad day.

tired. of course. but stressing about this food thing is making me so miserable. i hate extremes! i can't....sigh.....they backfire. i'm making myself miserable.

i really am.

stressing myself out

so many things running through my head...

thyroid treatments, fighting with doctors to get the right medication, finding the right dose could take months....

every day i don't work out i'm a failure and getting fat

every day i don't log my food i'm a failure and getting fat

i'm tired. i'm just weak and tired.

people think i'm lazy, making excuses.

i just wanna get back to how i was before. happy, with energy, working out, eating right, motivated.

i don't wanna lose this motivation but the more time passes, the weaker i get

now i'm told to try a keto diet, getting anxiety about that. seems like an extreme. i don't believe in deprivation. it will backfire. stressing about what i can and can't eat. i hate strict rules. i need general guidelines and flexibility.

i'm doing ALL THIS to myself!!! i need to shut the fuck up. shut my brain up. give myself a break. relax. find peace. find happiness. don't focus so much on these things. live my life. i don't wanna give up on everything i worked so hard for. but i need to loosen the reigns a bit. right now. i need a break. mental and physical. i need to rethink some things. not be so strict.

i have made a decision though.

my plan initially was take this year to lose the weight, get to goal next spring, get the panni removed, continue to get in shape, enjoy my life and my body and then end of next year get pregnant. i'm in my mid 30s and i don't wanna wait too long or it will be too late.

the problem is this fucking thyroid business has thrown a wrench in my plans and my weight loss. what does that mean? its gonna take me ALOT longer just to get to pre pregnancy weight. at first that meant pushing EVERYTHING back. because everything has to be perfect. but fuck that. who says? i WILL be getting my panni removed next year. i want to live my life and enjoy my body. regardless of my weight. i've seen girls bigger than me get theirs removed. and i will continue on my fitness journey, but i will still get pregnant when i want to. even if i'm not at goal weight. my life won't be put on hold because of my weight. thats just another form of  being held hostage. no way. i'm gonna live my life and do the best i can. and not wait for this or wait for that. i've spent my whole life waiting.

knowing this brings me so much peace.

no one puts any pressure on me but ME. and it needs to stop.

my new fitness blog

Ok so this is still my main blog. my dear diary if you will. i will write down all my demons and things i just need to get off my chest.

but i started a blog dedicated to my fitness journey. it will include protein reviews, exercise ideas, motivation, and my struggles with hypothyroidism.

if y'all are interested you can find it here.