Halloweeny goodness w/pics!

Tonight was great!! But I don't want to be too long winded so I'll post the bullet points of why tonight was awesome.

-our costumes were a HUGE hit, everyone loved them

-they were super duper comfy!

-the party was on a rooftop so we were at the mercy of mother nature but it was actually cool out and there    was a nice breeze the entire night! also it didn't rain till after the party ended. :)

-I had so much more energy and stamina than last year! I danced sooo much. My husband looked at me with wonder at first. lol. I wasn't miserable and complainy. I was fun and energetic. :)

-I ate before the party AND I prepared myself an egg and cheese sandwich on a whole grain english muffin and packed it and took it to the party. Other than one stale dorrito and 2 stale tortillas with guacamole, I didn't eat the food at the party. I drank my waters (crystal light fruit punch yum!) and halfway through the party I warmed up my sandwich. So yummy and so much better than anything at the party. It took me like 45 min to eat it and it was a lot of food for me. As a matter of fact I couldn't eat the very last bite. It was just what my body needed. Fuel.  Then around 3am my friend started making chicken and she had all this other yummy yummy cuban pastry stuff. I had one croqueta hot out of the oven. It was good. And I had 3 small bites of chicken. Perfectly hit the spot.

-I eyed those halloween candies hardcore. I just stared them down for a long time. I imagined what they would taste like. If they had been peanut butter cups or butterfingers or m&ms I probably would have had one. But it was just snickers, milky way, 3 musketeers, and twix. I'm like meh. They're not really worth it. If i'm gonna splurge I want something that I'm gonna be in heaven with. Not just something thats ok.  So....i didn't eat not one piece of candy!!! woohoo!! go me!!

ok and now for the pics

me and my hubby are 7UP and Cherry Pepsi (I made the costumes myself)

My friend diana found this costume at a thrift shop

my best friend jenny is a lion, her boyfriend is a lion tamer/safari guy? and the other 2 are ghostbuters

my friend diana and her friend sharon in the back dressed as Wednesday Adams

He's just so damn cute

I don't need your negative shit

What is wrong with people??? I swear.

Most people I know, my parents and friends, are super supportive of my surgery. They've seen my hard work and my progress and they're proud of me. But then there are people who don't know me that well or don't see me often (like my GP today, and my friend's sister) who look at you with this wincing look like they don't believe you can do it. They're always trying to find what you're doing wrong instead of just applauding all you've done right. My doctor has seen me maybe 5 times since I started coming to her right b4 surgery. She hasn't seen me since before surgery. She spends about 5 min with me, like most doctors. She half pays attention, like most doctors. She has no idea what my life is like. But she feels the need to lecture me. She tells me there can never be "just one". Like I can NEVER have a slip up. I told her I went to Disney last weekend and didn't have much control over where we ate. And she lectured me and tried to make me feel bad. I'm sorry dude, that shit is real life. Shit happens. I made the best decisions I could for the most part and a couple times I just went with the flow. But I knew I was gonna get back to work. And I did. As soon as I got home I started eating right again and working out again. But nooo. She dug into me for that. I'm sorry but i don't believe in NEVER. I will not be on a "diet" the rest of my life. This is all about getting healthier habits, but we're all human and sometimes you splurge. Everything in moderation. I don't care if she's a doctor, I disagree with her. She doesn't really know what my issues with food were. So I can have a small piece of pie and be perfectly satisfied and I'm ok. I get the whole "be careful  because one french fry leads to a plate of fries then you are back in those bad habits." I get that because i've been there and I know I have to be careful. But I don't believe in NEVER. It just really got to me. I don't think people realize how they can fuck with your mind. I don't want to let this bitch sabotage me with her shit.

I don't know about you but I do terribly with negative reinforcement. It always backfires. But if people give me positive reinforcement and praise then I feel good about myself and I try even harder to get more praise. Its that way with everything in my life from school to work stuff to personal stuff.

And not only her. I've had other people who I guess think wls is unnecessary or you'll gain the weight back or whatever. And they try to dig and dig and find something negative about your situation. I hate those people. Dude I cook fresh beautiful low carb food daily. I workout at least 5 days a week. I go to support group meetings every month. I haven't missed not one vitamin since surgery. I drink 64+ oz a day. I still struggle with my proteins but i get about 50g a day. So how bout a little fucking credit you dickhead. No you just gloss over that and try to find something, anything to poo poo on. And when you find nothing you still have that shit face on because you refuse to give me credit.

Well fuck you because i KNOW i'm good. I'm doing FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! and you can't put me down or bring me down with your ideas on what i should be doing and how i should be acting or thinking or how much i should have lost by now. I know I'm following the rules and I'm fucking proud of myself. So let me just brush you off. *brush brush* I know how to do me. so you just do you boo boo.

Confessions and realizations

So I went to Disney. And you know all those healthy snacks I packed? They're all still in the bag.

So here begins my confession. Friday I did great. Ate half my breakfast in the morning, drove 2.5 hours, got hungry had a cold cut lettuce roll up, then munched on my snacks. Then drove 2.5 more hours later that night. I was starving for real food. Then was left with only one choice, mcdonalds. So I got a 6 piece nuggets and ate 3. I was satisfied and didn't feel bad about it.

Then saturday came. I wanted a nice sit down breakfast....they wanted mcdonalds. :( sigh....fine. My husband and I shared a big breakfast with hot cakes. I turned my biscuit, eggs, and sausage into a sausage mcmuffin. I ate half of it and half of a hash brown. Wow. I haven't eat mcdonalds in soooo many months and now twice in 24 hours? I didn't like that. But it was gonna be a long day and I needed breakfast.

At the park I had some popcorn. It was my first time eating popcorn since b4 surgery. I had been wanting some for a long time but always stayed away. I was shocked how easy it went down. Dangerous. It was so good though. I really enjoyed it. I also had some of those sugary coated almonds. Pretty bad. Later on I had a piece of turkey leg (small piece) that was probably the best thing i ate at the park (health wise). Then around 8pm we went to this seafood counter service place. I got a tuna sandwich. HUGE FAIL. that shit got stuck something fierce. It sucked because i was so hungry. Everyone was done and I was still waiting for it to go down. So I told them all to leave and go do the rides and i would catch up with them. My husband stayed with me. I was finally able to eat 1 fishstick and a bite of an apple crisp dessert thingy. But i was very grateful for that fishstick. Then around 12am i had some more popcorn. And that was it. Then around 2am when we got back to the house we were staying at i had some potato chips!

Then on Sunday we went to Downtown Disney for "breakfast". yeah right it was 1pm before we left to go there. Naturally I was starving. I think I finished off the last of the small bag of chips and some grapes. We went to planet hollywood. They ordered a starter plate and we were all starved. I had one of them that was a tortilla (about the size of a potato skin) with bbq chicken and covered in melted cheese. OMG pure heaven. And went down beautifully. Then I tried to have a fajita. Another fail. So I ended up just eating the chicken. Only about 2 strips. Meh. Not very flavorful. The appetizer was way better. Glad I was able to have some of it. Then we walked around a bit. Really nice around there. And I wanted an italian ice. I wanted something cool and refreshing because it was hot out. So I got a small one. It was good for about a minute. But there was so much food coloring in it, i could taste it. Ugh. Then we drove 2.5 hours to ft meyers. I was hungry. We had eaten "breakfast" around 3pm and it was 8pm when we got to ft meyers. It was a sunday night....we were trying to meet up with my husband's other brother for dinner. Before I know it, its 10pm and everything is closed. So guess what, we eat pizza. I had a slice of pepperoni and sausage. Then this morning before we left I had to make breakfast out of whatever my mother in law had in the fridge. ALL GREASY FROZEN FOOD. ALL OF IT!! I made eggs, tater tots, a bagel and a waffle for my husband. I ate about 4 tater tots...GROSS! I felt the grease on the roof of my mouth. So disgusting. On the drive home I had the last of my 2nd slice of pizza.

And thats it!!! It was bad. I make no excuses. I accept full responsibility for it all. But its over. I expect to gain some weight from this and thats ok because I will lose it again because its back to routine tomorrow. One thing I can say is that even though I ate junk, I could never eat much of it. I love my sleeve! Thank you Jesus. lol.

Those are my confessions. My realizations? I don't like eating junk. I missed cooking. I missed having that control. I missed eating fresh healthy food. Junk makes you feel gross. I felt like my face was getting fatter and fatter. I really crave good fresh foods. And I'm so happy to be back home and getting back to good food. I'm so glad that my little detour into junkland wasn't a relapse for me.

Sometimes I have issues when I go to ft meyers. Well...no..i always have issues. All my husband's family is there. And it always ends up happening. His family always wants to do something that I don't want to do. And he's very go with the flow and I'm picky and needy and controlling. So he ends up snapping at me and I usually end up bashing myself in my head. I say "you're an awful person, no one likes you, you always ruin everything" things like that. But you know what? This time when it happened, I didn't beat myself up. I just didn't hate myself. I'm sorry but I think I'm pretty amazing. I am doing so well that i just can't bring myself to hate on myself. I see no reason to. Before I guess it was easy because I knew I was doing bad things in my life and I was depressed about it. But I'm doing so well now. Also  I'm very proud of myself  for what happened the other day. My husband really upset me with something that he said, I went to the gym so depressed I didn't want to do anything. He totally ruined my mood. And when that happens, forget it, its stays ruined the rest of the day. But I started to listen to some music and walk around the pool. The songs I was listening to were very empowering. Talking about being independent and not letting haters bring you down. And I love my husband but if he wants to be a hater at times then I need to brush him off. Because in the end I can only count on myself. I can't let people have that much power over me. I am beginning to feel more empowered from this whole surgery experience. I'm so much stronger than I thought and I amaze myself.

Also I'm very proud of the fact that as bad as I ate this weekend,  I didn't have not one french fry. And I had many many opportunities. French fries are my fav and my weakness. So that was one triumph for me.

I have made so many strides physically but I have a lot of work to do on myself internally. I need to work on my issues. Not even food related, all the other stuff. My self esteem depends on others and not on myself. Thats why anyone can make me really happy or really devastated just by what they say or how they act. I can't give people this much power. I need to find happiness in myself. I need to build myself up inside, and be stronger so that I don't have to depend on others, just on myself. If I can make myself stronger and more complete then I can give more to others. I can love my husband and family better. This is a long journey and I've only just begun. But I like what I see already. I look forward to bettering myself.

disney

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eating on the road

Yesterday was rough. I only got in 32oz of water. Why? Because i pretty much spent the entire day on the road.

In the morning i drank 1 bottle of water. Then i tried to have an egg and cheese sandwich on half an english muffin but i could only finish half bc of all the water i drank. So we drove to ft meyers....an hour in i realized we forgot our disney tix so we had to come back! So what should have taken 2.5 hours took us 4. By the time we got to my MIL's house at 5 i was starving. I ate this cold cut lettuce wrap i made. Small but very filling. Then an hour later i had like 10 grapes. My husband had 2 burgers and tater tots that his momm made him. I didnt eat. Dumb. I should have realized snacks arent enough. I need real food. Around 8 i was hungry again. I had 5 pepperoni chips, a string cheese and 1 low carb cookie. Then we went off to orlando.

Cut to 11pm and i'm starving. We get there, get settled in and i realize everyone is just going to bed. I down another bottle of water. Thank god my sister in law asked me if i was ok. I told her i was starving. At this point i would have been perfectly happy going to 7 eleven and getting a can of soup. She told me there was a 24 hour mcdonalds and suddenly everyone was hungry. Lol. I didnt want mcdonalds on principle but the fact is i was starving so it was sounding pretty good to me.

I got a 6 piece nuggets. I ate 3 and was very satisfied. I thought i would feel guilty. Like a failure for having mcdoonalds after more than 3 months. But you know what? I dont. This is the real world and its not perfect. You gotta deal. And i think i dealt reallly well. I am actually very proud of myself.

Im sure today (the day we go to the park) will be filled with not the best foods. But i will make the best choices i can. I wont go crazy. And when i get back home its back to normal. So im gonna go with the flow.

And getting full on so little is so liberating. Btw i'm typing this from my phone while laying in bed. So forgive the typos. I'm going to disney! Yayy!!

Ps. My sis in law wants to go to cracker barrel for breakfast. I've never been.

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I'm going to Disney, any pointers?

Hey guys, I'm going to Disney this weekend. Really we'll only be there Saturday. Any pointers for me?

I am bringing snacks (trailmix, protein bars, grapes, nuts, cheese sticks) and crystal light to go. Is it gonna be a problem to bring this stuff in my bag to the park? They sell water bottles at the park right?

Any suggestions of where I should have lunch? I don't think we'll be able to have lunch at any of the nice sit down places because we're going with a family of 5 and they don't have much in the way of funds. So we'll probably eat at one of those pizza/hot dog/ burger spots.

Any info/tips/advice you can give me about disney would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

You were right about lettuce.

I can eat lettuce just fine. woohoo!! :) fish is misleading. at first it was like i can eat fish. fish is flaky, it'll treat me right. so i went out and bought every different kind of fish known to man. what did i learn?

stay away from cod and halibut!!!! salmon could go either way. tilapia is sadly a no go. and sole while it seems like its perfect, is just ok. i can force myself to get in 3 oz. but its a rough ride. why do i try to force myself to eat 3 oz of meat? i probably shouldn't. but i really need those numbers for my protein.

chicken is great. dark meat preferably. juicy meat. perhaps slow cooked  or in some sauce. chicken is a lot nicer to chew than fish. and chicken has always gone down nice for me. i can't eat much of it, not 3oz, because its so dense i get full quick. but i have no problems with it.

steak? i ate it once. a very expensive cut of tenderloin. sliced thin. it was just fine! i could probably slice it thinner though. however, this is expensive. too expensive to have on the regular. and frankly i'm afraid to try a cheaper cut.

so whats the easiest one for me to eat? shellfish. mainly, shrimp. shrimp has gone down easy from the begining and i have never had a problem. it might take me a while but i can do 3oz of shrimp.

Things that go down easy:

Cheese
Water
Nuts
Egg whites

Things that go down hard and get stuck:

Eggs
Wontons/pastries


Thats all i can think of right now. I'm sure there's more. I'm sure I'll add to the list. What about you guys? What's something that goes down easy for you? Whats something  that doesn't get along with your band (or sleeve if any of you are sleeved)? Whats something that you thought would go one way but surprised you by going another way?