August was a blessing. september looks like its gonna rock.

july was really bad. may and june were a struggle. August brought about clarity and positive changes.

i am now currently in Ketosis.

in the month of august i lost 4lbs.

and another lb and another inch off my waist to date. i am now less than 10lbs away from pre pregnancy weight. its so close i can taste it!!!!

the pounds are melting off effortlessly but it is possible that its water weight. but i am gonna start a new workout routine this week. started today. i have to change the way i workout bc i don't have the carbs to do sustained workouts. so i'm switching to short, intense workouts.

today i did TABATA (4 min of squats). i tried doing a set of jump rope but i couldn't go on. i was very very spent. but i have so much energy the rest of the day. and i feel great. i really missed that feeling of working out. i haven't been working out for a month. i love the feeling of regular workouts bc i feel accomplished and strong. and i'm hoping it will ramp up the fat burning so i can really get the most out of this diet. i'm hoping to reach my goal weight  (pre pregnancy weight 173lbs) by mid november.

i will keep you guys posted.

my next goal after that is to get down to 140lbs. thats my BIG goal. anything under 173 is icing on the cake to me :)

Finally, a diagnosis

I have been self diagnosing for months. And i have been wrong every time.

The last  one was hypothyroid. Everyone kept telling me it was likely my thyroid. I looked it up and all the symptoms seemed to match.

I finally got bloodwork and went back for a follow up. Doc shows me bloodwork results and says your thyroid is working perfectly fine. Total shocker to me because I really thought this was it. and if it wasn't it, then what the hell WAS causing my symptoms. doc didn't know. we started to discuss it. i told her it seemed hormonal. that many of the symptoms mimicked pregnancy symptoms and i had checked myself so many times thinking i was pregnant. let's break it down.

1. Fatigue (almost always low energy and some days NEEDED to sleep)
2. Occasional nausea, sensitivity to light and sound (got those when pregnant)
3. Moodswings (depression, anxiety, for no reason)
4. Weight gain or no weight loss despite working out vigorously
5. Acne
6. Body aches, joint pain/tendinitis (big time during and after pregnancy)
7. Cravings for certain foods
8. Irregular periods

you get the idea.

The doc said...hmm....and you have already been diagnosed with PCOS? yes. Well the bloodwork showed thyroid was fine but i'm now once again pre-diabetic. shit. must have been the fucking carbs i added doing this macros thing. she says it made the PCOC re-activate. which makes so much sense now. i was slowly getting worse. my body was trying to tell me something. i didn't even remember to tell the doc this but i've been having sweet smelling urine for a while (a sign of diabetes). and now that makes sense too. the timeline makes perfect sense.

i was so relieved A. to have an answer but B. that it wasn't thyroid disease bc that is so serious. luckily i already went back to low carb. doc says that should be my norm. thats good to know for the future. always keep it low carb. gotcha. she put me on a low dose metformin. i've been taking it for a couple days and already noticing a difference. the fog is starting to clear. i'm hoping that once my levels even out i will be back to my old self! yay!!!

oh and before i even saw my doc and found this stuff out i had already lost 1lb and 1 inch off my waist after 3 weeks of low carb. which is huge for me because from may-aug i only lost 2lbs. and thats with working out hard 5-6 days a week!!

so there you have it. i woke up my PCOS. so glad i caught it before it got serious. doc says it will settle down/go away when i lose some weight. which i plan to do anyway. she was really impressed with my attitude. she said i'm doing all the right things and my head is in the right place.

the best part is i'm taking the right actions and i will soon be able to put all this behind me! i can get back to working out and LOSING WEIGHT!! i'm so happy!

breathe.

i decided all that anxiety and stress was NOT worth it. i listened to my body and decided super low carb/ketosis was not for me.

now that i'm  not working out i don't NEED all the carbs and calories i was eating before. so i made an executive decision to do what works for me. i decided to cut my calories, not drastically, just 200. and to cut my carbs in half. my macros used to be 40% carb, 30% protein, 30% fat. they are now 20%carb, 30% protein, 50% fat. upped my fats, kept my protein adequate and cut my carbs in half. totally doable for me. this is very comforting to me as i did low carb for so long. here's the difference though. this time around i'm actually tracking my intake so i make sure to eat ENOUGH, eat often, and get adequate protein. all things i wasn't doing last time i did low carb. i would go loooong stretches without eating. bad. i ate mostly snack stuff instead of real meals. bad. i was eating mostly fat and very little protein. bad. i think this time it will be alot more balanced. been doing it for 2 days (today is day 3) and i've noticed my sugar is below my daily allowance and thats wonderful. i mean, that alone will make a big difference.

changes? well so far yesterday was a rare good day.  i woke up feeling good and even had energy. even before my coffee or any food i went to my workout room and walked on the treadmill for 10 min. that was about all i could do. then i lifted some weights. i still don't have the energy to do a strenuous workout but the fact that i was able to do anything was wonderful. moodwise i did well yesterday. especially considering the bomb my mom dropped on me and basically hijacked my entire day. yeah i was annoyed/upset/stressed but i actually handled it pretty well. i didn't dwell on it. so i'm proud of myself. today i woke up feeling ok. sore from yesterday so i'm letting my body rest. muscle aches and recovery are alot longer with thyroid disease. but my head is clear. no fog. i'm not ra ra sisboomba. but shit, i'll take it! :)

i am at peace and not stressing anymore. i don't feel like this disease has taken over anymore. i dunno but just being able to change my diet and still feel like this is something i can continue and i'm not out of the game yet, it gave me back control. and with that, piece of mind. or...peace of mind actually.

tomorrow is my doc appt finally. i'll keep you posted.

having a bad day.

tired. of course. but stressing about this food thing is making me so miserable. i hate extremes! i can't....sigh.....they backfire. i'm making myself miserable.

i really am.

stressing myself out

so many things running through my head...

thyroid treatments, fighting with doctors to get the right medication, finding the right dose could take months....

every day i don't work out i'm a failure and getting fat

every day i don't log my food i'm a failure and getting fat

i'm tired. i'm just weak and tired.

people think i'm lazy, making excuses.

i just wanna get back to how i was before. happy, with energy, working out, eating right, motivated.

i don't wanna lose this motivation but the more time passes, the weaker i get

now i'm told to try a keto diet, getting anxiety about that. seems like an extreme. i don't believe in deprivation. it will backfire. stressing about what i can and can't eat. i hate strict rules. i need general guidelines and flexibility.

i'm doing ALL THIS to myself!!! i need to shut the fuck up. shut my brain up. give myself a break. relax. find peace. find happiness. don't focus so much on these things. live my life. i don't wanna give up on everything i worked so hard for. but i need to loosen the reigns a bit. right now. i need a break. mental and physical. i need to rethink some things. not be so strict.

i have made a decision though.

my plan initially was take this year to lose the weight, get to goal next spring, get the panni removed, continue to get in shape, enjoy my life and my body and then end of next year get pregnant. i'm in my mid 30s and i don't wanna wait too long or it will be too late.

the problem is this fucking thyroid business has thrown a wrench in my plans and my weight loss. what does that mean? its gonna take me ALOT longer just to get to pre pregnancy weight. at first that meant pushing EVERYTHING back. because everything has to be perfect. but fuck that. who says? i WILL be getting my panni removed next year. i want to live my life and enjoy my body. regardless of my weight. i've seen girls bigger than me get theirs removed. and i will continue on my fitness journey, but i will still get pregnant when i want to. even if i'm not at goal weight. my life won't be put on hold because of my weight. thats just another form of  being held hostage. no way. i'm gonna live my life and do the best i can. and not wait for this or wait for that. i've spent my whole life waiting.

knowing this brings me so much peace.

no one puts any pressure on me but ME. and it needs to stop.

my new fitness blog

Ok so this is still my main blog. my dear diary if you will. i will write down all my demons and things i just need to get off my chest.

but i started a blog dedicated to my fitness journey. it will include protein reviews, exercise ideas, motivation, and my struggles with hypothyroidism.

if y'all are interested you can find it here.

in good spirits

first of all i want to say, i'm having a good day. i'm grateful for those. :)

secondly, the more i find out about hypothyroidism the more things start to make sense. i don't feel helpless anymore. though i still have many questions and have yet to see a doctor and be diagnosed all signs seem to point to some kind of thyroid disorder or something with very similar symptoms.

i don't feel helpless because i see there's things that can help. i see women on instagram who battle with hypothyroidism and still manage to meet their goals.

one thing that has helped me tremendously is the herb Rhodiola Rosea. not just physically helped me but gave me piece of mind that for right now i have a tool to battle my symptoms on my worst days. it does work. it takes hours, but it does work. one rhodiola product (Energy Kare) gives me energy. On days when i feel like i'm in a walking coma, i take 2 of those and eat something and after a while i'm a normal functioning person again. with the other product (Rhodiola Root Extract) i get a sedative feeling. it calms me down when i'm too frazzled/stress/anxiety ridden and cannot calm down. both products clear my head and level out my mood and i feel ok. just fine. completely capable of facing my day and anything that is thrown at me. it also helps me get amazing sleep. what an amazing herb this is. i am so grateful for this. it is not however helping with the weight gain/trouble losing weight. it sucks when you workout every day and eat right and in 4 months others can lose 50lbs and you have only lost 12. that is definitely something that needs to be helped with hormone replacement or something.

i have to say my entire way of thinking has completely changed with this disorder or whatever you wanna call it. its actually, surprisingly, made me stronger and more determined. yes i have my bad days. don't get me wrong and on those days its just about getting by. but it has made me so grateful for my good days. like today. i didn't need to take any herbs or anything. i woke up feeling like my old self. had enough energy. in good spirits, etc. since those days are no  longer guaranteed, i cherish them.

i also had to completely change the way i think about exercise and eating. i'm not like everyone else. i have spent the last 7 months trying to find someone who was having success and copying everything they did. and it changed periodically, especially with exercise. thinking that eventually i would get it right. if i just follow these easy steps i'm bound to have the same results? right? thats all i wanted. a guarantee. but i know now that there are no guarantees. i can't follow any program. at least not like this. there's no normalcy in my life right now. i don't wanna feel like i cheated one day or skipped a day because then that starts a slippery slope into "oh well i messed it up, no point in going on" and then completely fall off. how many times has that happened to all of us?

i've learned that i had to look at things differently. i told myself that from now on i will do something every day. my body doesn't have weekends. i have good days and bad days. there will be times i won't be able to do anything. but even on those days i will try. example 2 days this week i did walking/sprints and a little bit of weights. then i had a really bad day. i felt like i was in a walking coma. i walked very slowly for 20 min but it wasn't doing ANYTHING for me. so i stopped. but guess what? mentally i knew that i had at least done SOMETHING that day. so i still felt good about myself. today i had energy but i ran out of time in the morning so i just danced around and huffed and puffed for 15 min. and  i can feel good about myself knowing i did something. because now its not just to lose weight. i won't obsess over it because i know something is working against me. instead i'm working out for the mental/emotional benefits. because when i'm depressed, it clears my head. because knowing i did something makes me feel good about myself. proud of myself.  the rest will come in time. i know that every little bit benefits me both mentally and physically. so i just see it as a positive thing i can do every day to make myself feel better.

no. i will not do it because you have to force yourself even if you don't wanna do it because "no excuses" and "beast mode" and sweat is your fat crying. i don't think those are necessarily positive things. personally i see them as a bit combative. you always have to be pushing yourself. but thats not how i see it. i see it as me loving myself. not putting any judgments or expectations on myself. its also forced me to be creative. i have many many ways of working out at my disposal. weights, dvds, pull up bar, treadmill, bike, resistance bands, exercise balls, etc etc etc. any of those things, or any combination of things is great. my motto is "as long as it makes you sweat and gets you huffing and puffing, its good" no matter how long. but even if its just a short, slow walk. and i have zero energy. thats fine to. i tried. what more could i do?


and on days when i feel good, i feel like i'm ready to take on the world. i feel strong. like a warrior. this thing i have (whatever it is), it might knock me down, make me weak, tired, depressed, but its not gonna beat me. i will always come back. i'm too strong. its made me a stronger person.

and as far as dieting. i'm giving myself a break. i've been counting my calories for 4 months now. i know pretty much what i can and can't eat. i have been craving fats (like avocado and peanut butter) and sometimes sweets. i will allow myself these in moderation. on my bad days i definitely am more slack about it, but on my ok/good days i'm back to normal. i'm going to concentrate more on staying within my calorie goal and sticking to whole foods. and not worry so much about whether i'm having more fats than i should, etc etc. i'm just not gonna obsess over it like i have been. i mean honestly its not gonna get me anywhere right now. so i will just make sensible choices.

if anything this shit has taught me that life is gonna throw you curveballs. you can't schedule it. sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time. and do the best you can.


i am more determined than ever to have this panni removed though. its happening. come hell or high water. i wanted to be down to 140lbs but at this point i'm just hoping i can get to my pre pregnancy weight (170lbs) before next spring. right now i've been teetering back and forth around 186 give or take 3lbs for weeks. this is gonna be a long journey. there's no guarantees anymore. so if i have to have it removed at 170lbs, i will. i want to live a better life. i want to move more freely. this thing is really getting in the way of my range of motion and my workouts. there's so much freedom that will come with it. it will allow me to soar to my potential. i'm done waiting. i'm done living life halfway.