Mission: Figure out what makes me happy

Do you know what makes you happy??

Because I don't!! What a strange dilemma! My life is a series of wanting something and thinking it will finally make me happy then I get it and I just end up back where I started. They say no one stays happy for too long. I have to have things to look forward to.

Anyway my point is aside from BIG things (like jobs, a house, surgery, trips, etc) my happiness has always revolved around FOOD. and it has for so many years. I've used it to medicate myself for as long as I can remember. My parents did it to me when I was young and I kept doing it as an adult. My husband perpetuates it because he just wants to see me happy. So I don't blame him or my parents. Its easy to say, awww don't cry, want some ice cream? The scary thing is I found myself doing that to my nephew this weekend. The only thing I could think to make him happy was to offer him food or ice cream. And I don't want to do that to my children. Food was always there when I had a rough day, it was there when I had a great day, it was there to look forward to. Always made me feel better. But I don't want that anymore. Thats going to stop. So now i have to figure out, if food is out, what actually makes me happy??

Its a mind blowing thing to not know what makes you happy. Crazy huh? I mean, I plan to start a quest to find what makes me happy. It sounds fun doesn't it? Also I know that attention from people (positive attention) makes me happy. But thats another crutch. I'm so dependent on other people to make me fee good or wanted or desired. I need to figure out what makes ME happy. If there was no one around, what would make me smile? hmm??? Thats a head scratcher right there. I'm not used to being alone. I don't know what to do with myself. I've never been independent. Its hard for me to go places alone. Well I can run errands alone and stuff but when it comes to going to a movie or going out to eat....doing that alone is so foreign to me.

I have to figure out what I enjoy. Learn how to be happy on my own. Because if I can be happy on my own and happy with myself, I have more to offer people, especially my future children. I don't want to teach them bad habits. I don't want them to be clingy and dependent like me. It will be quite a journey but I'm ready to take it on.

*edit*
I like to dance!!! :) i like to dance but i get tired really fast. i don't have the stamina. yay thats one thing that will make me happy. dancing is fun!!