grateful for my good days

since last thursday the skies have temporarily cleared. i even finally worked out (good and hard too) on saturday and sunday. monday and today (tuesday) were set aside for me and my husband. yesterday we stayed at a swanky ($$$$) hotel and had a luxurious spa day ($$$$). i've never been to a real fancy spa before it was a dream come true. i had an AMAZING massage which included a salt scrub on my back and i also had this amazing 30 min bath with jets and essential oils. man i felt so pampered, like royalty. then at night we walked across the street and went to see a new movie. i haven't been to a movie in a theatre since before the baby was born. it was lovely.

today we are hanging out at home and doing stuff around the house that we've been force to put off for months. its so nice to have the freedom and time to do all this stuff but we do miss the baby. tomorrow we pick him up. and then......my husband goes back to work thursday, and this shitty schedule starts all over again. not gonna lie, i'm scared. i'm scared of suffering through this again. it was awful. i feel like i was living only to support his schedule. like i was a machine, there to service my husband and son and no one gave any regard to my feelings or my needs. and on top of that the episodes of depression and fatigue made it that much worse. i'm very scared of the next episode. my husband will be back at work.

on a good note though, i made a doctor's appt finally. not till aug 1st but i'll take it! i pray that they can figure out whats wrong with me. not knowing is the worst. i worry that its a thyroid thing because i hear thats a constant struggle and that the medication doesn't make it go away. you still get tired, you still have to fight the weight gain. but i already had to deal with the weight stuff with PCOS and i thought i beat that struggle. sigh.

i find myself being scared all the time. scared of another episode. scared of not having help. scared of feeling that way. scared of something bad happening to my family. scared of crime. scared of cancer. scared of autism. scared i'm a bad mother and i've already messed up my son. i didn't used to be this way. i was always really perky and upbeat.

i don't wanna dwell on the bad right now. i have to savor every second of this day. of this happy time. i dread what happens tomorrow....back to that life....no....today i am grateful.