I was very against the whole gastric bypass thing. I looked into the lap band as an alternative but then decided it was too harsh as well and that I could do this on my own.
I've been able to lose like 20lbs but then thats it. I always only lose 15-30lbs before I lose motivation. I need something that will once and for all get me all the way down. Otherwise its juts like walking up a downward moving escalator. I'm not getting anywhere. The thought of struggling with food my whole life is upsetting to me. Thats not how I want to live. The thought of not being able to eat certain things or throwing up or having medical complications worries the shit out of me. Thats probably my biggest obstacle. Well that and money.
And guess what, this procedure isn't a magic pill. I still have to eat right and work out. Although I hear you can lose weight even without working out. So at least I know I don't have to kill myself going to the gym. Because lets be honest, who can keep that up for the rest of their life?
If I have something inside me and I physically can't hold down much food....i mean.....I get scared when people say "Its a LIFE CHANGE" because I've never been able to keep up anything forever. I mean be realistic. We all have times when we want pizza and ice cream. I'm not gonna eat veggies all the time and I don't want there to be any food thats off limits to me for the rest of my life. Or ever for that matter. If its a situation where I choose not to eat certain foods because I can make healthier choices, thats one thing, but don't tell me i can never have french fries. Everyone is entitled to a cheat here and there. I don't wanna be thin and miserable. But anyway like i was saying, if there's something inside me and I physically can't hold down much food then it forces me to make life changes. Its like...a constant. So I dunno...maybe its doable.
The thing is I don't want to be consumed by this. I don't want to spend my life counting calories and worrying about the scale. I want to have this procedure, follow the rules, and live life. I want this to allow me to live my life to the fullest, I don't want to spend my life living for this lap band.
And I don't even know if its better to get the lap band or the gastric bypass. Thats research I will have to do.
But whats made me reconsider this whole thing is seeing people, real people...in person, who have had GP or lap band or something and they have lost weight and kept it off. One in particular even had a child and she still looks amazing. And lately I keep seeing more and more stories like this and I don't know if its a sign or what. I don't know these people's day -to-day so I have no idea if they're consumed with the weight situation when they're home and not out at some function. My hope is that they're not. I mean, I don't expect to just do this and never have to worry about weight again. But like I said, I just want to follow the guidelines, and try to have as normal a relationship with food as I can, and spend the rest of my time living life and enjoying things.
Anyway thats where my mind is at with that. Am I gonna do it? Don't know. Its not something thats a priority for me right now. I might do it after I have a child. Don't know. Its just something that I'm considering. I might have to go there.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
we found a house
not gonna get into details because i don't wanna get my hopes up. but we put an offer on a house. its a short sale, in our budget, cute house and best of all its near my parents.
when we find out (good or bad) i'll let you know more about it.
*fingers crossed*
*update*
they accepted our offer but now we have to wait for the bank to approve the short sale. so this could take months. keep your fingers crossed for me.
when we find out (good or bad) i'll let you know more about it.
*fingers crossed*
*update*
they accepted our offer but now we have to wait for the bank to approve the short sale. so this could take months. keep your fingers crossed for me.
remembering things from my childhood
unfortunately i have my mother's temper and her pension for type A behavior. its funny, i'm a control freak but i'm also a slob. isn't that weird? can you be both? i wish i could just chill out and go with the flow like ed. i probably would enjoy life more. but its hard to fight what comes naturally to you. i have to make a conscious effort. i noticed that once my mom let go she became a much more pleasant person to be around.
there was a time in high school when i thought she honest to goodness hated me. like i was a mistake and she wished i was never born. i know now that thats not true. but at the time she had so much anger towards me. high school years were rough. i was trying to rebel, she was trying to control me.
i'm scared of those traits that she passed along. control and a temper. i'm so scared to take that out on my children. i have to devise a plan for when i feel myself getting too worked up. like...a breathing technique or a pillow. or something. as a kid i have taken my anger out on pets. and i felt so guilty for that. its not right. i don't want to pass that on to my children. i know that i get overwhelmed. especially with lots of noises because its hard for me to focus. so when i have two people trying to talk to me at the same time i get overwhelmed. so imagine kids screaming mommy mommy all the time. how will i handle that? motherhood will be a challenge. i feel like i'll either get out of control with my kids or go the opposite way and have them be out of control all the time. no there has to be a happy medium. i refuse to let my kids run amuck like little animals with no discipline. i hate that shit. maybe i was a little scared of my mom at times but i respected her. and i grew up to have good manners and a healthy fear of authority. though it does have its downside. i became a sheep. a follower. in life. its hard to break out of that shell. i wait for people to tell me what to do. i need people to tell me how to do things. i depend on people. there has to be a happy medium.
well anyway these were just thoughts i had this morning...
there was a time in high school when i thought she honest to goodness hated me. like i was a mistake and she wished i was never born. i know now that thats not true. but at the time she had so much anger towards me. high school years were rough. i was trying to rebel, she was trying to control me.
i'm scared of those traits that she passed along. control and a temper. i'm so scared to take that out on my children. i have to devise a plan for when i feel myself getting too worked up. like...a breathing technique or a pillow. or something. as a kid i have taken my anger out on pets. and i felt so guilty for that. its not right. i don't want to pass that on to my children. i know that i get overwhelmed. especially with lots of noises because its hard for me to focus. so when i have two people trying to talk to me at the same time i get overwhelmed. so imagine kids screaming mommy mommy all the time. how will i handle that? motherhood will be a challenge. i feel like i'll either get out of control with my kids or go the opposite way and have them be out of control all the time. no there has to be a happy medium. i refuse to let my kids run amuck like little animals with no discipline. i hate that shit. maybe i was a little scared of my mom at times but i respected her. and i grew up to have good manners and a healthy fear of authority. though it does have its downside. i became a sheep. a follower. in life. its hard to break out of that shell. i wait for people to tell me what to do. i need people to tell me how to do things. i depend on people. there has to be a happy medium.
well anyway these were just thoughts i had this morning...
Monday, May 3, 2010
afterthought
i want to take this time to relish in how cool our lives our right now. we live in a really nice condo in coral gables, ed works in south beach, we don't have kids.
soon we'll be living kendall, working in doral, and have kids. not very glamorous. lol.
also i used to live in boston! boston, coral gables, kendall. my cool points just keep getting lower and lower.
but ps. we don't DO ANYTHING!! i wish we would take trips and live it up before we're settled with kids but the truth is, this is the kind of people we are. homebodies.
soon we'll be living kendall, working in doral, and have kids. not very glamorous. lol.
also i used to live in boston! boston, coral gables, kendall. my cool points just keep getting lower and lower.
but ps. we don't DO ANYTHING!! i wish we would take trips and live it up before we're settled with kids but the truth is, this is the kind of people we are. homebodies.
Going through a transitional phase and doing a lot of thinking
Ok this post may be all over the place as my thoughts have been all over the place as of late but I'll try to keep it organized.
me vs me - my split personality
I've written in the past about have two sides to me (the gemini in me). there's the roodboi/ska/i'mcool side and there's the mommy/grown up/appropriate side. And they often battle each other. I tend to go back and forth between them and they seem to consume me one at a time. There's never a balance there. They both want all of me. I guess the roodboi side is my youth/my past, and the grown up side is my future. I want to strap on my adult boots and go out there and be a mommy and have a house and do all that stuff. But the young side of me doesn't want to give me up. Thats why I sometimes have freakouts about my age or what I'm doing with my life. And as much as I want children I sometimes freak out that this will mean the end of my life as that other person. Then again I used to think marriage was the end of my life. That I had to be a completely different person. But that wasn't true at all. I was me, just with someone awesome always by my side. So right now I'm at a stage where I'm giving in to the grown up side and my youth side is kicking and screaming and clawing to try to hold on. Getting grey hairs, wrinkles, and being called "señora" isn't helping either. I don't mind getting these things. I've never been superficial about my looks at all. But the thing that bothers me is that I still see myself as a little girl. I was always the smallest, and I found comfort there. Now my appearance is changing but I still feel like the same little girl. I don't want to be one of those delusional women you see on "What Not to Wear" acting like i'm 17 when I'm 40. Jesus. But it looks like thats where I might be heading. I need to grow up. But there's a lot of stuff about me thats cool. I think I'll be able to relate to my kids and have fun with them because i'm a giant kid inside. So who knows. This is just something I've been thinking about a lot.
Having kids
The other day I said to ed "I want a baby" and he said "i know". I said "when can we have one" and he said "I'm ready when you are". This of course made my heart melt. We had a long talk in March about life and how he was afraid of change and that getting a house and starting a family were huge things that would be hard work. I appreciated him telling me how he felt. But we both agreed that I came into his life and made things happen. I forced him to get furniture, if it wasn't for me he would still be living out of boxes. He's perfectly happy letting everything stay the way it is. In a straight line. But I'm all about making things happen (i leap before i look sometimes) and if we don't move forward we'll just be stuck in a rut. We have to take risks in life, otherwise life is boring. So after that talk I think we both felt better. He knew it was time to take another leap. So the fact that he said he was ready just made my heart so incredibly happy. I've been so patient (you don't even know) which is hard for someone so impulsive like me, about having a baby. But now I can't contain these feelings anymore. Its time. I know it is. I can feel it. And its getting to the point where all the goals I wanted to reach before I got pregnant are becoming less and less important. So I decided that when we get a house, move in and get settled, we will start trying for a baby. I'm hoping it will be in the next 6 months. Because I will be pregnant by the end of the year, house or not. I'm so happy and so excited that this will FINALLY be the year. I think about my future children all the time. What I want to do with them, how i'll raise them, etc etc. I don't think anyone I know will have put this much thought into having kids or wanted them as bad as I do. Especially knowing it will probably be difficult to conceive with PCOS. But I know that when I get pregnant it will be a true blessing.
But...there is still that part of me, i would say 10% of me, that is having doubts. I'm just afraid to end up in my 40s doing some shit job being bored with life and being miserable. I just see all these people in their 40s who have teenage kids who just seem like they're going through the motions of life. And I also think...god..this is it. Once I have kids i've crossed over to the other side. adulthood. I'll officially be uncool (to my kids). no going back. Also, what the hell am i getting myself into? i'll never sleep again! can i do this? i don't know! but like i said, thats just 10% of me.
House issues
So as you can imagine I'm working hard to find a house. but its SUPER bleak. once we realized that 225k is our budget it really limited our selection. everything is crap. our only choice is short sales but i haven't been able to find any decent ones. we may have to move waaaaay south :( i'm at the point where i don't know whether to wait it out till something i like comes up or to settle for something i don't really like because its a "starter home". or should i bite the bullet and move south and be far from my family and friends??? sigh i don't know. :(
anyway this is all the stuff thats on my mind. meanwhile the cool stuff, like mission ska, is falling by the waist side because my mind is elsewhere. I still love it, I just can't devote much time to it. I wish i had someone to help me keep it running. i'm good at starting things. really good. bad at maintaining and/or finishing them.
me vs me - my split personality
I've written in the past about have two sides to me (the gemini in me). there's the roodboi/ska/i'mcool side and there's the mommy/grown up/appropriate side. And they often battle each other. I tend to go back and forth between them and they seem to consume me one at a time. There's never a balance there. They both want all of me. I guess the roodboi side is my youth/my past, and the grown up side is my future. I want to strap on my adult boots and go out there and be a mommy and have a house and do all that stuff. But the young side of me doesn't want to give me up. Thats why I sometimes have freakouts about my age or what I'm doing with my life. And as much as I want children I sometimes freak out that this will mean the end of my life as that other person. Then again I used to think marriage was the end of my life. That I had to be a completely different person. But that wasn't true at all. I was me, just with someone awesome always by my side. So right now I'm at a stage where I'm giving in to the grown up side and my youth side is kicking and screaming and clawing to try to hold on. Getting grey hairs, wrinkles, and being called "señora" isn't helping either. I don't mind getting these things. I've never been superficial about my looks at all. But the thing that bothers me is that I still see myself as a little girl. I was always the smallest, and I found comfort there. Now my appearance is changing but I still feel like the same little girl. I don't want to be one of those delusional women you see on "What Not to Wear" acting like i'm 17 when I'm 40. Jesus. But it looks like thats where I might be heading. I need to grow up. But there's a lot of stuff about me thats cool. I think I'll be able to relate to my kids and have fun with them because i'm a giant kid inside. So who knows. This is just something I've been thinking about a lot.
Having kids
The other day I said to ed "I want a baby" and he said "i know". I said "when can we have one" and he said "I'm ready when you are". This of course made my heart melt. We had a long talk in March about life and how he was afraid of change and that getting a house and starting a family were huge things that would be hard work. I appreciated him telling me how he felt. But we both agreed that I came into his life and made things happen. I forced him to get furniture, if it wasn't for me he would still be living out of boxes. He's perfectly happy letting everything stay the way it is. In a straight line. But I'm all about making things happen (i leap before i look sometimes) and if we don't move forward we'll just be stuck in a rut. We have to take risks in life, otherwise life is boring. So after that talk I think we both felt better. He knew it was time to take another leap. So the fact that he said he was ready just made my heart so incredibly happy. I've been so patient (you don't even know) which is hard for someone so impulsive like me, about having a baby. But now I can't contain these feelings anymore. Its time. I know it is. I can feel it. And its getting to the point where all the goals I wanted to reach before I got pregnant are becoming less and less important. So I decided that when we get a house, move in and get settled, we will start trying for a baby. I'm hoping it will be in the next 6 months. Because I will be pregnant by the end of the year, house or not. I'm so happy and so excited that this will FINALLY be the year. I think about my future children all the time. What I want to do with them, how i'll raise them, etc etc. I don't think anyone I know will have put this much thought into having kids or wanted them as bad as I do. Especially knowing it will probably be difficult to conceive with PCOS. But I know that when I get pregnant it will be a true blessing.
But...there is still that part of me, i would say 10% of me, that is having doubts. I'm just afraid to end up in my 40s doing some shit job being bored with life and being miserable. I just see all these people in their 40s who have teenage kids who just seem like they're going through the motions of life. And I also think...god..this is it. Once I have kids i've crossed over to the other side. adulthood. I'll officially be uncool (to my kids). no going back. Also, what the hell am i getting myself into? i'll never sleep again! can i do this? i don't know! but like i said, thats just 10% of me.
House issues
So as you can imagine I'm working hard to find a house. but its SUPER bleak. once we realized that 225k is our budget it really limited our selection. everything is crap. our only choice is short sales but i haven't been able to find any decent ones. we may have to move waaaaay south :( i'm at the point where i don't know whether to wait it out till something i like comes up or to settle for something i don't really like because its a "starter home". or should i bite the bullet and move south and be far from my family and friends??? sigh i don't know. :(
anyway this is all the stuff thats on my mind. meanwhile the cool stuff, like mission ska, is falling by the waist side because my mind is elsewhere. I still love it, I just can't devote much time to it. I wish i had someone to help me keep it running. i'm good at starting things. really good. bad at maintaining and/or finishing them.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
new realtor
well we fired that useless realtor and found a new one. she seems really cool already. and very on point. she answers all my emails and she's eager and doesn't drag her feet. i think she's gonna be a great fit!
our new plan is she will take me to look at houses during the week and if i find something that passes my tests then we'll look at it on the weekend with ed. because i'm the picky one after all. so better that i use my free time to eliminate the ones i don't like. it will save us a lot of time on the weekends.
i'm still looking for work. this is just a really bad time man. oof. i hope the economy picks up again soon.
also ed's job is moving to doral. i'm happy that he won't have to work on the beach anymore!! yay!!! so this really frees us up to look for houses in kendall. :)
our new plan is she will take me to look at houses during the week and if i find something that passes my tests then we'll look at it on the weekend with ed. because i'm the picky one after all. so better that i use my free time to eliminate the ones i don't like. it will save us a lot of time on the weekends.
i'm still looking for work. this is just a really bad time man. oof. i hope the economy picks up again soon.
also ed's job is moving to doral. i'm happy that he won't have to work on the beach anymore!! yay!!! so this really frees us up to look for houses in kendall. :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
trying to start my life...roadblocks
So we've been looking for houses for about 2 months now. and after seeing NOTHING we were interested in, we saw 2 houses (being sold by the same company that flips houses) a couple of weeks ago. things were looking up.
problems:
1. the houses are priced WAY above our budget. but our realtor assures us we can get them for much less. mmhmm. sure.
2. our realtor continues to be unresponsive, dragging her feet, and we're both completely sick of it. we're stuck with her till the offer gets accepted or rejected then we're chucking her ass.
she took an entire week just to put in the offer we wanted. when i texted her and emailed her no response. when i confronted her about not communicating she said ok, i'll get you the paperwork today. this was on a friday morning (when we had told her we wanted to make the offer on monday) and she didn't send us the paperwork till friday at 11pm. its just completely UNPROFESSIONAL. i'm so over her. but if she can deliver when it comes to closing on a house maybe we'll put up with it.
we sent back the paperwork on tuesday. today on thursday we got an email today saying that the listing agent for the house wouldn't even bother showing that offer to her client. NO SHIT! they're turning away people offering $280k. so there's no point in trying to counter. its over. but just what we expected. a realtor's job is to guide you and that means telling you that a low offer isn't a wise step. and we figured it wasn't. but she assured us based on comparibles, etc that this was a good offer. and just as expected they laughed off our offer. no point in trying for the 2nd house as it was priced even higher than the first.
so i'm bumbed because i was looking forward to having a house sooner rather than later. but i'm glad i didn't let myself get attached. and now we can give that useless realtor the heave ho.
the sad part is after seeing something completely remodeled head to toe its hard to go back to looking at the other houses. :( we got spoiled by that. but we can't afford those other houses.
I NEED to get a job so we can have more money in the pot and more choices for homes. but also i'm just ready to work again. i've been trying for a couple of months now to get work, applying to a shitload of places but its hard man. soooo hard. no one is getting back to me. the jobs seem to be out there but i guess no one is interested in me personally. it gets me down. i just have to keep trying. i know eventually i'll get something.
my plan is to get a job, a good one that i'm comfortable doing with people i get along with that pays me enough to survive on my own. and then get a house and start a family. i'm itching to have a baby sooo bad. i'm waiting for the pieces to fall into place but not being able to find a job and losing out on houses are setbacks, roadblocks. its frustrating.
anyway now that the whole thing is over i can show you pictures. didn't wanna jinx it before but it doesn't matter now.
entry way:
living room:
2nd bath:
kitchen out to family room:
kitchen: all new appliances
pantry with drawers! love this thing.
out to family room.
family room
laundry room!!! a whole room!
HUGE backyard with pond
master bedroom
master shower
master bath
problems:
1. the houses are priced WAY above our budget. but our realtor assures us we can get them for much less. mmhmm. sure.
2. our realtor continues to be unresponsive, dragging her feet, and we're both completely sick of it. we're stuck with her till the offer gets accepted or rejected then we're chucking her ass.
she took an entire week just to put in the offer we wanted. when i texted her and emailed her no response. when i confronted her about not communicating she said ok, i'll get you the paperwork today. this was on a friday morning (when we had told her we wanted to make the offer on monday) and she didn't send us the paperwork till friday at 11pm. its just completely UNPROFESSIONAL. i'm so over her. but if she can deliver when it comes to closing on a house maybe we'll put up with it.
we sent back the paperwork on tuesday. today on thursday we got an email today saying that the listing agent for the house wouldn't even bother showing that offer to her client. NO SHIT! they're turning away people offering $280k. so there's no point in trying to counter. its over. but just what we expected. a realtor's job is to guide you and that means telling you that a low offer isn't a wise step. and we figured it wasn't. but she assured us based on comparibles, etc that this was a good offer. and just as expected they laughed off our offer. no point in trying for the 2nd house as it was priced even higher than the first.
so i'm bumbed because i was looking forward to having a house sooner rather than later. but i'm glad i didn't let myself get attached. and now we can give that useless realtor the heave ho.
the sad part is after seeing something completely remodeled head to toe its hard to go back to looking at the other houses. :( we got spoiled by that. but we can't afford those other houses.
I NEED to get a job so we can have more money in the pot and more choices for homes. but also i'm just ready to work again. i've been trying for a couple of months now to get work, applying to a shitload of places but its hard man. soooo hard. no one is getting back to me. the jobs seem to be out there but i guess no one is interested in me personally. it gets me down. i just have to keep trying. i know eventually i'll get something.
my plan is to get a job, a good one that i'm comfortable doing with people i get along with that pays me enough to survive on my own. and then get a house and start a family. i'm itching to have a baby sooo bad. i'm waiting for the pieces to fall into place but not being able to find a job and losing out on houses are setbacks, roadblocks. its frustrating.
anyway now that the whole thing is over i can show you pictures. didn't wanna jinx it before but it doesn't matter now.
entry way:
living room:
2nd bath:
kitchen out to family room:
kitchen: all new appliances
pantry with drawers! love this thing.
out to family room.
family room
laundry room!!! a whole room!
HUGE backyard with pond
master bedroom
master shower
master bath
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