this episode is over

happy to say that wed the skies started clearing for me. i got my smile back. some pep in my step. its over now. i figure i have a good week, week and a half before it comes back. i'm soooo grateful to be myself again. even if its for a little while. my husband is on vacation for a week and i'm so glad i can enjoy this time together!!!!

thanks girls for your concern. i def need to see a doctor and get my hormone levels checked. i'm in the process of doing that but insurance has me running through hoops. stupid HMOs. so hopefully by monday it will be sorted out and i can make an appt but my insurance won't let me see anyone till august. i will for sure have had another episode by then and i'll be honest i'm scared. because my husband will be already starting to teach a new semester...and it will be bad. bad.....

anyway not gonna let that bring me down now. i'm optimistic. just grateful to have this clarity right now.

fucking moodswings

i keep going from mad to sad to agitated to exasperated. none of these moodswings have been positive upbeat moods. just negative negative negative. no one is gonna wanna be around me. especially ed. i just wish he would take this more seriously. he's so flippant about it. just fatigue. oh i'm just tired today no biggie. but its so much more and its fucking up my life!!!! i don't like being this way! i am having super irrational thoughts. i don't wanna be the miserable bitch cow i was when i was pregnant. i'm so scared to be that again.

i'm having a lot of feelings of worthlessness. and guilt. and i feel like ed doesn't love me anymore.

i've been suffering with this for 2 months but it wasn't a big deal. but every time it comes back it gets worse and brings more shit with it. and i can't deal with it anymore. i'm so fucking scared what will happen when it comes back again and ed starts another semester. i'm crying for help here. please someone here me....

symptoms

i'm gonna stop diagnosing myself because i'm always wrong. instead i'm gonna list as many symptoms as i can think of.

-fatigue that goes away and come back every 2 weeks. and each time gets progressively worse and bring other symptoms with it.

this time around i have
-depression
-moodswings
-body aches
-joint pain (knees and now wrist)
-craving fats like avocado and peanut butter (also cheese and other fats)


this condition has severely impacted my life in a negative way. i need to see a doctor asap. i'm afraid of how bad it will be the next time around...

also it seems to be lingering longer this time


side note: i keep having dreams of giving birth which is really messing with my head bc i know i'm not pregnant. i've gotten my period 2 months in a row since my last scare. and 2 negative tests.

Tired again

Ok.....so sadly eating more calories did not solve the tired thing. sure enough like clockwork it came back this week. last night the tired that came over me rivaled that of my  pregnancy. i just rolled over on the couch and fell asleep HARD. ed had to do all the nighttime routine with benji. this morning i'm still tired.

what the hell is it???

i'm taking my vitamins
i'm taking my iron
i'm even taking super greens!

i thought maybe it was all the caffeine. because last week i was soooo kick ass on tuesday. so much energy. then wed...nothing...thursday was not as bad. friday i had4 cups of coffee with little to no effect on my energy, it just took away the headache. saturday i had 1 scoop of amino energy just for the amino and muscle recovery but i didn't have caffeine yesterday. thinking that would sort me out. but thats when i fell asleep super hard.

used to be i needed caffeine to stay up with the baby. then i needed it to work out. now i just need it every day whether i go out or not. its insane. i know too much caffeine is bad for me. my body has become dependent. i know i need to stop but i think that means a few days to  a week of withdrawal. and i don't wanna give up my workouts. the truth is i know i should but i am addicted. i love drinking coffee. i look fwd to it. and the amino energy i could probably stop  using easy enough. i just like the energy it gives me but it doesn't hit my pleasure centers the way coffee does.

sigh.....this is just one of those...i know what i have to do i just have to do it, things.

took progress pics today.

i see a difference. its slight, thats for sure. same shape, just slightly less of it. and slightly more booty. :) its changing. my body is changing. very slowly. i want it to happen faster because i have so much further to go than everyone else. they all seem to just be toning and building muscle, where as i have lots of weight to lose. but i need to be patient. its gonna take time. its not surgery.

but seeing the progress has given me the push to keep going. i know its happening. even if i don't see it in the mirror or on the scale. i will NOT let the scale define me. fuck the scale in fact. because its not about that.

i'm just gonna keep grinding. worry about hitting my macros and enjoying eating 2,000 calories. lol. doing cardio and lifting heavy. and thats it. 

eat more dingus!!!

turns out the reason i was a miserable fucking cow for 2 months is because i haven't been eating enough!! i've been reducing my calories like an asshole when i should have been feeding my body and feeding my muscles. now that i'm back to doing what i started doing in the first place (the macros system works if you let it!!!) its so much easier. i get to EAT. and i was starving. i don't feel deprived, depressed, i feel alert and i am actually craving healthier food. go figure. i'm generally more pleasant. and more able to take on this fukacta schedule.

not even gonna sweat the scale right now. i think its gonna take my body time to adjust to the extra calories and realize its getting what it needs and therefore will start shedding it. i'm doing well exercise wise. i burn 400 cals a day 5 days a week. eventually i will go back in the right direction. its a lot more doable now. focus on fueling my body (soooo much more doable now, macros are very doable and no deprivation involved) building muscle and i have to keep on with the cardio and start challenging myself with the cardio the way i do with the weights. if i really wanna burn fat. i suck at that though. i hate shit that makes me huff and puff. i hate that feeling.

as for my fatigue, i can't say for sure yet because it has a tendancy to go away and come back a week later so i won't know for sure till some time has passed. but right now there's a WORLD of difference. and if i think about it....the times when i had more energy were the weeks after i allowed myself to pig out on the weekends. getting more calories in gave me more energy. i can't believe i was pushing my body every day without fueling it. i can't imagine how much damage i did.

i found this EXTREMELY helpful. it answered all my questions.
http://iifym.com/why-does-your-calculator-tell-me-to-eat-so-many-calories/

i used this calculator
http://iifym.com/iifym-calculator/

last night in bed ed and i were talking about how glad we are that this 9 week semester is almost over. only one more full week. then we get 4th of july off and that whole weekend together. then half a week. then we have 5 days together, including the hotel/spa days. ahhh.....then..pretty much right after that starts orientation for next semester. thats so fucking depressing. for both of us. this schedule is so hard on both of us but especially me. holding down the fort. having benji all day, no car, trying to workout, clean and on top of that i'm chronically fatigued. i will be honest, i don't know if i can do another 9 weeks. i really don't. i feel like it was super hard for us and....put a real strain on our marriage. not to mention a physical and mental strain on ourselves. personally i don't think its worth it. even he is starting to see that now. i really just want him to quit this stupid job. i'm trying to be supportive but at what cost???? our relationship is suffering. i'm suffering. not to mention he is missing out on benji's milestones.