identifying a trigger

woah. today i was looking on CL for jobs and found one that i could possibly do. they were looking for someone to retouch photos using photoshop for their websites. the pay was good. problem is my skill in photoshop is to cut and manipulate pictures for graphics. i've never really had success retouching photos. so i set out to practice, even watched some tutorials on youtube. i was deep into the process of working on one picture when it struck me. the desire to have some potato chips. mind you i never really eat potato chips. i love them but i don't keep them in the house. but it was so weird. its like my brain new exactly what i needed to continue on this task, salty old fashion kettle chips. wow. it was a strong urge. i almost found myself getting up to get some when i realized, not only can i not eat chips, i can't eat anything! i said i better stop this right now before i make myself miserable. so i stopped.

i'm realizing this type of thing, photoshop/video editing/etc,  where i spend hours in front of the computer and the only thing i'm using is my brain, is just a huge trigger. i can't do it. i just can't. it doesn't entertain my enough. i need to do something where i can use more of myself. i need to interact. for my sanity. i don't want to fall back onto old habits. before i wanted the kind of job i could do from behind the computer from my home. because i was lazy and it was easy. it was comfortable. but thats not my life anymore. i want to get out there and do something i enjoy. something where i could use my brain and my hands and my personality.

time to re-evaluate what kind of work i want to do. i'd love to work for a catering company, or a small gourmet shop. i'd love to start up some kind of company where i sell homemade goods. i still love to experiment and cook. and now that i can't eat stuff i have even more of a desire to cook for others and watch their expressions. i want to see people getting joy out of something i cook. i have this idea to come up with low carb high protein treats and sell them to people who have has wls or are just trying to eat healthier.

i'd also like to work for an event planner and help plan events. its chaotic, stressful, but fun! i love to plan so i think i'd be good at it. and i'd feel a sense of accomplishment and being part of a team. of course that would mean crazy hours, including weekends. hmmm i dunno.

i'll probably end up with something clerical.

things i don't wanna do:

Sales
telemarketing
accounting
retail
food services (anything in a restaurant)

what do you guys do? and what would your dream job be?

a question about scar tissue

did any of you get scar tissue around your incisions? does it go away or is it there forever?

frustrated

ugh my tummy is taking so long to heal. its feeling better but still so swollen and retaining fluid. not to mention still all bruised up. he bruises don't seem to be changing. its annoying. i know i'm losing weight but i refuse to weigh myself till i'm healed. otherwise there's no point. my waist is bigger right now than it was the day of surgery. anyway its also annoying because people who know i got surgery see me, even though its only a week and a half later, and they expect me to be thinner already. and my face is a little smaller and noticeable then they look at my body and its still the same. its really not!! i can feel it changing on the sides but that damn belly! ugh! and i'm grateful that the gas pain is gone but the fluid and stuff in my belly still makes it hard to sleep too long. i'll be sooo tired but i'll need to get up and walk.

so yeah i'm a  bit frustrated because in the begining the changes seemed bigger but now the days go by and not much seems to change. i really hope this gets better in 3 weeks like they say. i'm almost at 2 weeks. so we'll see. ugh i'm so ready to be done with the recovery stage already and move on to other things!!

wanna hear something funny?

i'm sitting at the computer watching tv and i put my chin in my hand and it felt weird. i used to have more face. my chin seems more defined. ha! pretty cool.

Day 9 post op

Just checking in.

This is such a slow going recovery. Getting liquids in has become a little easier. I was able to get in 50 oz yesterday and 50g of protein.

So I've been doing ok until today. I've had the worse gas all day and nothing seems to make it better. Not mylanta chewables, not walking, nothing. Its made it really hard to get my fluids in today. I feel like I'm pregnant with a gas baby. I've named him Oxnardo. My husband and I went grocery shopping today and I felt like a pregnant lady. I was holding my tummy or my back and sort of bouncing up and down while i hold my tummy. Nothing I do is making it go away today. I have all the discomforts of a pregnant lady. Soreness, gas, back pains, swollen ankles, sleeping like crap, etc. My wounds seem to have gotten worse after I got home. My stomach got all swollen and bruisey and got worse looking. But now it finally looks like its going down and getting better. Which I'm very happy about.

Today for the first time since before surgery i slept in my own bed!! My back has been killing me from the couch so I said ugh let me just lay on my bed and see what happens. Well it felt SO good! so i took some pain killers and took a nice nap on my bed. Oh my lanta. what a nice nap. i rubbed my blankets on my face, it was so comforting. i got this feeling of...i'm back, everything is back to normal, only i have my sleeve! that thought brought me so much joy. of course everything isn't back to normal yet. i still have more healing to do. but i got a glimpse of what its gonna be like and i can't wait. of course i still can't sleep on my side.

i am praying that by friday or the weekend at the latest one of 2 things will happen. A. the gas (aka. Oxnardo) will be gone OR B. I'll be able to sleep on my side. So please lord let one of those 2 things happen!!!

Also Friday I can start full liquids. :) I went to whole foods and bought a bunch of lovely cream soups and greek yogurt. :) I'm looking forward to having some yummier foods. hopefully getting protein in will become a lot easier.

oh and my one week post op visit was yesterday. everything went well. my doc told me it was ok to shower and get the tape wet and even soap it up. so for the first time i actually stood in the shower and took a full on shower, even soaped up the incision sites. it felt nice to shower :)

here's a pic of me when i got home (not bad at all)

then I started to swell and bruise

and today the swelling is going down and the bruises are worse but going down

Can't wait to work out again

This is so weird because for months I couldn't bring myself to work out. laziness pure and true. no energy. no desire. even the weeks b4 surgery i didn't even walk. and now...the weirdest thing...i can't wait to work out!

I can't wait till I heal so I can do the treadmill, the elliptical, go swimming, but mostly i can't wait to lift weights!! I always enjoyed lifting weights because the results are fast and you feel so much stronger. and i guess after feeling so weak i'm sick of it. I want to feel strong again. plus i can feel myself deflating and i want to get in there and build more muscle and tone so that it actually looks good.

even thinking of, way later on down the line, trying running. i hate to run but i might give it a try. i hear amazing things about it. almost everyone i know is getting into it and they say you get great results.

on another note i haven't weighed myself once since i got home. no point i'm bloated and full of fluids and stuff. i won't weigh myself till i'm healed up. although i'm sure they will weigh me at my 1 week post op visit next week. i don't want to obsess about numbers. as long as my body is changing. when i do start weighing myself i'll try to only do it once a week. but i would prefer not to do it at all. numbers are a tricky game. you can find yourself getting discouraged if the scale doesn't move. and i don't wanna get that way.

not gonna obsess about counting calories and all that. granted i'm keeping track of that and my fluids and my protein because its important i get enough in. but once i graduate to real food and figure out what works for me and what i should and should not be eating, i'll stop counting. i just want to make good choices, be more active and enjoy life. those are my guidelines. don't want to get bogged down with numbers on a scale or numbers on a nutrition label. thats not very freeing. and i have found this new way of living so liberating. i'm so excited for the future. now hurry up and heal mel so we can have some fun!

my mother in law needs to be put in her place

since i'm too lazy to tell the story again i'll just cut and paste an email i wrote to my sister in law:

subject: omg i am soooo pissed!!


Today I was at home healing and ed wanted to go out so i told him go see your mom since she wants you to take pics of her furniture anyway. So fine, he went. He told her I was sick because of course she still doesn't know (about the surgery).

So he comes back and i was like oh how's your mom doing? Good good. He told me some cute stories about amani. thats nice :) and then he tells me that his mom was talking shit about me! wtf?? she says that she doesn't like the way i eat?? that when i was there for 4th of july she found a bunch of junk food in her trash cans??? umm...when i go to her place i bring snacks so that i can have food. i brought a cooler with 100 calorie cookies and 100 calorie cheetos. i kept one cheetos pack in my bag and a small popcorn bag just in case i was out and i got hungry. but i only ate the cheetos. i ate maybe 1 or 2 sting cheeses and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while i was there. those are things i brought. but i had brought a travel pack of mini cereal boxes. i keep those in my bag for when i get hungry and there's no food around. which happens a lot when i go to ft meyers. well i guess she found cereal boxes in her trash and made some huge exaggeration like i was hoarding junkfood. what a stupid bitch. i've been watching what i eat for months now. especially on that trip!!!! i have NEVER EVER in my life hoarded junk food and i take particular offense to this because she's picking on me just because i'm fat. she's making up bull like everyone else who assumes because i'm fat i'm some non stop junk eating machine. which is so far from the truth. and to make it worse she says i drink too much soda. i haven't had soda in months. i honestly can't remember, i think my bday party in may was the last time i had soda. and ed was like, she doesn't even drink soda anymore and she was like "well at my house she did" which is TOTAL BS!!! i brought bottled water to her house and put it in her fridge for christs sake! she had some bottled water in there and i didn't even drink hers!! only mine!! where the hell does this bitch get off? i never touched soda the entire time i was in ft meyers! at the baby shower i drank capri sun and at your house i kept asking for water! even though there was tons of soda! i swear tricia i just want to call her up right now and get in her face. she is lying about everything she said. and i have worked so damn hard to eat better. where does she get off talking trash about me? what did i ever do to her? just because i didn't eat her nasty greasy food?? because i preferred to eat my food instead? i have held my tongue for years with this woman. and i swear to god if ed wasn't telling me not to i would confront her ass right now. i'm not afraid of her anymore. i have been through too much. bruised and battered, cut open and starved. what the hell could she possibly do to me that would be worse than that. i swear tricia from now on i will not hold my tongue with her. i will defend myself. i will raise my voice to her. i am not gonna take her shit anymore. 

she just has to have someone to pick on. and i've always been an easy target because i'm fat and because i don't fight back. well baby is she gonna be in for a rude awakening. to have someone have no idea what struggles you've gone through come out and make up lies about you just because people will believe it? just to have something juicy to talk about? thats just evil. evil. i feel like after the pain i've gone through i'm not afraid of anything and anyone anymore. and i won't let people push me around anymore!

sorry i just HAD to get that off my chest. so lucky she didn't say that to me or i would have punched her in the face. smacked that evil look right off that face of hers. grrrr.