Started prenatal vitamins

I know its just a multivitamin but in my head this seems like a huge deal and a big step and i'm so excited! :) :) :)

Def convinced

I know that I will for sure get a stomach band. I don't know if i will choose Lap Band or Realize band but I know I will be getting one. Its not a question of if i'll be getting one, its when.

My dilemma: The whole process from getting approved to surgery itself will take 6 months. And for those 6 months I would be dieting. Which will be a definite struggle but i'm willing to make the commitment. The problem is, 6 months pre surgery, 6 months post surgery before I start losing decent weight, another 6 months before i get close to my goal. so lets say a year to a year and a half before i would even want to think about getting preggers.

but i don't think i can wait that long! i've waited so long already. besides my childbearing years are running out and i want to have 3-5 kids and i want to spread them out. so i don't have that much time. also i don't want to have to deal with having to derail my progress or having to take out the band (or loosen it or whatever they do) for pregnancy.

I mean sure I would love to lose the weight before I get pregnant and if the doctors really feel its the best thing for me I'll consider it. But my preference would be to wait till after I have a child. Because I feel like...if i have a child to take care of then I'll have something to occupy my time so the transition will be easier for me. So i'm not obsessed with what i can and can't eat. Of course I would wait till my child is old enough to not need me 24/7.

But you know me. I get an idea for something and I become obsessed with it. It consumes me. Especially when it comes to weight loss. I've actually read all these things (pre op diet, post op diet, dr. follow ups for life, support group mandatory) that normally would scare me away but this time it doesn't. It all seems very doable to me.

I'm not in a hurry to do this. Having to wait till after I have a kid will really give me time to think about it. If this is something I really want, I'll still want it later. But we'll see. I've heard soooo many success stories.

I also like that no one knows anything about this. I'm not telling anyone but ed and those of you who read this blog. Until it happens its not worth telling anyone about it.

But I did find a place in South Miami that specializes in weight loss surgery. Their website offers a wealth of information that I found very useful. Good news is they have an info session June 10th for anyone who's interested in learning more about weight loss surgery and I totally plan to go. I have my endo apt earlier that week so I'll talk to him about that and wanting to have a baby and see what he says.

In the research phase

I gotta tell you, the more I read people's stories the more I want to do this. People, one after another, are losing 100+lbs in a year. Granted not everyone is the same. And its not a guarantee that you will lose. But most people have been having this kind of success. Knowing myself, and how I've been able to control myself, I know I can do it. I'm not the kind of person who will get it and then eat really bad all the time. I might have periods where I cheat a little but like one girl said "lap band makes it hard to stay off track for too long". I've also heard all different things. Some people can't eat breads, count calories, and work out a lot and some people east the same but much much smaller portions and don't really work out.

If I do get this I want to be more active. I will probably have more energy. I'm not saying I'll be in the gym all the time. Because I can tell you right now I won't. But I would like to be more active in general. And I'd probably want to light weights because I really do like lifting weights and feeling stronger. I like the fast results you get from lifting weights and how tight and strong it makes me feel.

Anyway I think I have so much potential I just need help.

Also I've decided to either go with the Lap Band or the Realize band, not gastric bypass.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me. Ideally I would like to have a child first and then do the lap band thing. I don't want it to get in the way of my pregnancy. Also I don't want to have to wait another year to get pregnant. I don't think I could. But if the doctor tells me I should do it before i'll definitely consider it. It wouldn't be a bad thing.

I will just keep on being inspired by the stories I hear for now.

Reconsidering Lap Band

I was very against the whole gastric bypass thing. I looked into the lap band as an alternative but then decided it was too harsh as well and that I could do this on my own.

I've been able to lose like 20lbs but then thats it. I always only lose 15-30lbs before I lose motivation. I need something that will once and for all get me all the way down. Otherwise its juts like walking up a downward moving escalator. I'm not getting anywhere. The thought of struggling with food my whole life is upsetting to me. Thats not how I want to live. The thought of not being able to eat certain things or throwing up or having medical complications worries the shit out of me. Thats probably my biggest obstacle. Well that and money.

And guess what, this procedure isn't a magic pill. I still have to eat right and work out. Although I hear you can lose weight even without working out. So at least I know I don't have to kill myself going to the gym. Because lets be honest, who can keep that up for the rest of their life?

If I have something inside me and I physically can't hold down much food....i mean.....I get scared when people say "Its a LIFE CHANGE" because I've never been able to keep up anything forever. I mean be realistic. We all have times when we want pizza and ice cream. I'm not gonna eat veggies all the time and I don't want there to be any food thats off limits to me for the rest of my life. Or ever for that matter. If its a situation where I choose not to eat certain foods because I can make healthier choices, thats one thing, but don't tell me i can never have french fries. Everyone is entitled to a cheat here and there. I don't wanna be thin and miserable. But anyway like i was saying, if there's something inside me and I physically can't hold down much food then it forces me to make life changes. Its like...a constant. So I dunno...maybe its doable.

The thing is I don't want to be consumed by this. I don't want to spend my life counting calories and worrying about the scale. I want to have this procedure, follow the rules, and live life. I want this to allow me to live my life to the fullest, I don't want to spend my life living for this lap band.

And I don't even know if its better to get the lap band or the gastric bypass. Thats research I will have to do.

But whats made me reconsider this whole thing is seeing people, real people...in person, who have had GP or lap band or something and they have lost weight and kept it off. One in particular even had a child and she still looks amazing. And lately I keep seeing more and more stories like this and I don't know if its a sign or what. I don't know these people's day -to-day so I have no idea if they're consumed with the weight situation when they're home and not out at some function. My hope is that they're not. I mean, I don't expect to just do this and never have to worry about weight again. But like I said, I just want to follow the guidelines, and try to have as normal a relationship with food as I can, and spend the rest of my time living life and enjoying things.

Anyway thats where my mind is at with that. Am I gonna do it? Don't know. Its not something thats a priority for me right now. I might do it after I have a child. Don't know. Its just something that I'm considering. I might have to go there.

we found a house

not gonna get into details because i don't wanna get my hopes up. but we put an offer on a house. its a short sale, in our budget, cute house and best of all its near my parents.


when we find out (good or bad) i'll let you know more about it.

*fingers crossed*

*update*
they accepted our offer but now we have to wait for the bank to approve the short sale. so this could take months. keep your fingers crossed for me.

remembering things from my childhood

unfortunately i have my mother's temper and her pension for type A behavior. its funny, i'm a control freak but i'm also a slob. isn't that weird? can you be both? i wish i could just chill out and go with the flow like ed. i probably would enjoy life more. but its hard to fight what comes naturally to you. i have to make a conscious effort. i noticed that once my mom let go she became a much more pleasant person to be around.

there was a time in high school when i thought she honest to goodness hated me. like i was a mistake and she wished i was never born. i know now that thats not true. but at the time she had so much anger towards me. high school years were rough. i was trying to rebel, she was trying to control me.

i'm scared of those traits that she passed along. control and a temper. i'm so scared to take that out on my children. i have to devise a plan for when i feel myself getting too worked up. like...a breathing technique or a pillow. or something. as a kid i have taken my anger out on pets. and i felt so guilty for that. its not right. i don't want to pass that on to my children. i know that i get overwhelmed. especially with lots of noises because its hard for me to focus. so when i have two people trying to talk to me at the same time i get overwhelmed. so imagine kids screaming mommy mommy all the time. how will i handle that? motherhood will be a challenge. i feel like i'll either get out of control with my kids or go the opposite way and have them be out of control all the time. no there has to be a happy medium. i refuse to let my kids run amuck like little animals with no discipline. i hate that shit. maybe i was a little scared of my mom at times but i respected her. and i grew up to have good manners and a healthy fear of authority. though it does have its downside. i became a sheep. a follower. in life. its hard to break out of that shell. i wait for people to tell me what to do. i need people to tell me how to do things. i depend on people. there has to be a happy medium.

well anyway these were just thoughts i had this morning...

afterthought

i want to take this time to relish in how cool our lives our right now. we live in a really nice condo in coral gables, ed works in south beach, we don't have kids.

soon we'll be living kendall, working in doral, and have kids. not very glamorous. lol.

also i used to live in boston! boston, coral gables, kendall. my cool points just keep getting lower and lower.

but ps. we don't DO ANYTHING!! i wish we would take trips and live it up before we're settled with kids but the truth is, this is the kind of people we are. homebodies.