long talks, short runs, and magic herbs?

our last night without the baby ended in a LONG talk in bed. of course i waited till 4am to start having this conversation thats been needing to happen for a month. finally at 6am we just gave up and went to bed. but it didn't go well. i was essentially blaming him for everything. and he was trying to appease me and offer solutions but they weren't enough. he made me lots of promises and asked nothing of me, just that i take care of myself physically and mentally. it wasn't everything i wanted to hear. i'm missing intimacy. he just can't seem to open up. and it seems the more years go by the more closed up he is. the only emotion i get from him is in valentines/anniversary cards. and i didn't get an anniversary card this year. we can't have intimate conversations. i want to hear things like "you look beautiful" "i want you" "i need you" "i miss you" "i'm thinking about you" but he doesn't get it. sigh.....its not like i haven't told him this over and over.  he knows my love language is words of affirmation. i just feel like he does the bare minimum.

anyway the next day i felt depressed in the morning. i tried walking on my treadmill bc i hear exercise can help with depression. i had very low energy and walking like a zombie...it wasn't working. so instead of giving up i decided i would make myself run to release endorphins. it worked. i was numb on the run. numb. but it cleared my head of the bad thoughts. still had low energy but a clear mind. i was able to do 30 min of sprinting/walking. i felt good. afterwards i sat ed down and apologized for blaming it all on him. that it was me and i had to work on myself. his job is not the problem. its making things harder. certainly its a scapegoat but not the problem.

in the car he was telling me about his schedule going fwd. the usual. sunday is orientation, school starts monday. fine. but then he said "i may have an even monday night" and thats when i got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. that enrages me because it means i'm on my own till 10pm and he comes waltzing in and goes to sleep shortly thereafter. and when do i make dinner???? also wtf when do I  get to go out to some event of my own? fuck?! i'm suck here all the fucking time!!!!

thats when i said, you can go to your event but for every event you go to, i get to have my OWN event that same week. which means you get home, i take the car and do whatever i want. he agreed and said, you can take more than one day if you want, and regardless of whether i have an event or not i think its something you should do. and i'll feed benji and do the night time stuff.  (side bar: my husband is really patient, understanding and supportive)

so now i'm excited and happy that i have something to look fwd to on a regular basis. every week i get one night to do what i want. and it can be anything from taking a fitness to seeing a movie alone or having a lady date with drinks and dinner. he even suggested some adult ed classes which i like the sound of that. learning something new.

and bonus, i have decided we will do a date night once a month. mandatory. so i'm excited about that as well :)

and lastly, a friend posted this on fb yesterday...http://preventdisease.com/news/14/071614_15-Herbs-Plants-Stabilize-Thyroid-Function.shtml

i stopped when i got to the Rhodiola because the description sounded like what i needed. i went online and looked at products and reviews. it seems like its a good energy boost in low doses and in high doses acts like a sedative to calm the mind of anxiety. well i bought both yesterday. took the sedative one yesterday after getting home and my son was giving me a headache with his crying and screaming and tantrums and i was tired and hungry with a major major headache. i took it and made some food, ate and took a nap. i will say that the nap was amazing. it felt like i had taken a sleep aid. and i woke up refreshed. so much so that instead of my regular coffee i drank a decaf last night. then last night i slept great as well. all from 1 dose. so i'm hoping that this herb can help me. we'll see. i've jumped to conclusions before.

i just took the energy one and don't feel anything yet. so we'll see....                                                      

grateful for my good days

since last thursday the skies have temporarily cleared. i even finally worked out (good and hard too) on saturday and sunday. monday and today (tuesday) were set aside for me and my husband. yesterday we stayed at a swanky ($$$$) hotel and had a luxurious spa day ($$$$). i've never been to a real fancy spa before it was a dream come true. i had an AMAZING massage which included a salt scrub on my back and i also had this amazing 30 min bath with jets and essential oils. man i felt so pampered, like royalty. then at night we walked across the street and went to see a new movie. i haven't been to a movie in a theatre since before the baby was born. it was lovely.

today we are hanging out at home and doing stuff around the house that we've been force to put off for months. its so nice to have the freedom and time to do all this stuff but we do miss the baby. tomorrow we pick him up. and then......my husband goes back to work thursday, and this shitty schedule starts all over again. not gonna lie, i'm scared. i'm scared of suffering through this again. it was awful. i feel like i was living only to support his schedule. like i was a machine, there to service my husband and son and no one gave any regard to my feelings or my needs. and on top of that the episodes of depression and fatigue made it that much worse. i'm very scared of the next episode. my husband will be back at work.

on a good note though, i made a doctor's appt finally. not till aug 1st but i'll take it! i pray that they can figure out whats wrong with me. not knowing is the worst. i worry that its a thyroid thing because i hear thats a constant struggle and that the medication doesn't make it go away. you still get tired, you still have to fight the weight gain. but i already had to deal with the weight stuff with PCOS and i thought i beat that struggle. sigh.

i find myself being scared all the time. scared of another episode. scared of not having help. scared of feeling that way. scared of something bad happening to my family. scared of crime. scared of cancer. scared of autism. scared i'm a bad mother and i've already messed up my son. i didn't used to be this way. i was always really perky and upbeat.

i don't wanna dwell on the bad right now. i have to savor every second of this day. of this happy time. i dread what happens tomorrow....back to that life....no....today i am grateful.

this episode is over

happy to say that wed the skies started clearing for me. i got my smile back. some pep in my step. its over now. i figure i have a good week, week and a half before it comes back. i'm soooo grateful to be myself again. even if its for a little while. my husband is on vacation for a week and i'm so glad i can enjoy this time together!!!!

thanks girls for your concern. i def need to see a doctor and get my hormone levels checked. i'm in the process of doing that but insurance has me running through hoops. stupid HMOs. so hopefully by monday it will be sorted out and i can make an appt but my insurance won't let me see anyone till august. i will for sure have had another episode by then and i'll be honest i'm scared. because my husband will be already starting to teach a new semester...and it will be bad. bad.....

anyway not gonna let that bring me down now. i'm optimistic. just grateful to have this clarity right now.

fucking moodswings

i keep going from mad to sad to agitated to exasperated. none of these moodswings have been positive upbeat moods. just negative negative negative. no one is gonna wanna be around me. especially ed. i just wish he would take this more seriously. he's so flippant about it. just fatigue. oh i'm just tired today no biggie. but its so much more and its fucking up my life!!!! i don't like being this way! i am having super irrational thoughts. i don't wanna be the miserable bitch cow i was when i was pregnant. i'm so scared to be that again.

i'm having a lot of feelings of worthlessness. and guilt. and i feel like ed doesn't love me anymore.

i've been suffering with this for 2 months but it wasn't a big deal. but every time it comes back it gets worse and brings more shit with it. and i can't deal with it anymore. i'm so fucking scared what will happen when it comes back again and ed starts another semester. i'm crying for help here. please someone here me....

symptoms

i'm gonna stop diagnosing myself because i'm always wrong. instead i'm gonna list as many symptoms as i can think of.

-fatigue that goes away and come back every 2 weeks. and each time gets progressively worse and bring other symptoms with it.

this time around i have
-depression
-moodswings
-body aches
-joint pain (knees and now wrist)
-craving fats like avocado and peanut butter (also cheese and other fats)


this condition has severely impacted my life in a negative way. i need to see a doctor asap. i'm afraid of how bad it will be the next time around...

also it seems to be lingering longer this time


side note: i keep having dreams of giving birth which is really messing with my head bc i know i'm not pregnant. i've gotten my period 2 months in a row since my last scare. and 2 negative tests.

Tired again

Ok.....so sadly eating more calories did not solve the tired thing. sure enough like clockwork it came back this week. last night the tired that came over me rivaled that of my  pregnancy. i just rolled over on the couch and fell asleep HARD. ed had to do all the nighttime routine with benji. this morning i'm still tired.

what the hell is it???

i'm taking my vitamins
i'm taking my iron
i'm even taking super greens!

i thought maybe it was all the caffeine. because last week i was soooo kick ass on tuesday. so much energy. then wed...nothing...thursday was not as bad. friday i had4 cups of coffee with little to no effect on my energy, it just took away the headache. saturday i had 1 scoop of amino energy just for the amino and muscle recovery but i didn't have caffeine yesterday. thinking that would sort me out. but thats when i fell asleep super hard.

used to be i needed caffeine to stay up with the baby. then i needed it to work out. now i just need it every day whether i go out or not. its insane. i know too much caffeine is bad for me. my body has become dependent. i know i need to stop but i think that means a few days to  a week of withdrawal. and i don't wanna give up my workouts. the truth is i know i should but i am addicted. i love drinking coffee. i look fwd to it. and the amino energy i could probably stop  using easy enough. i just like the energy it gives me but it doesn't hit my pleasure centers the way coffee does.

sigh.....this is just one of those...i know what i have to do i just have to do it, things.

took progress pics today.

i see a difference. its slight, thats for sure. same shape, just slightly less of it. and slightly more booty. :) its changing. my body is changing. very slowly. i want it to happen faster because i have so much further to go than everyone else. they all seem to just be toning and building muscle, where as i have lots of weight to lose. but i need to be patient. its gonna take time. its not surgery.

but seeing the progress has given me the push to keep going. i know its happening. even if i don't see it in the mirror or on the scale. i will NOT let the scale define me. fuck the scale in fact. because its not about that.

i'm just gonna keep grinding. worry about hitting my macros and enjoying eating 2,000 calories. lol. doing cardio and lifting heavy. and thats it.